March Madness for Dummies

Don’t get insulted if I’m referring to you as a “dummy”, you dummy. Get over it because it’s March and you’re essentially dead to me if you aren’t following college hoops the next few weeks. You heard it here.

A lot of friends – girls and guys alike – poke fun at me / the fact that I like watching sports which is fine, I totally get it. My sports fanaticism is often comparable to a 30 year old male, but it ain’t no thang.

Why do you like watching sports? It’s like, so boring.
You know what I say to that? Why DON’T you like watching sports. You’re like, so boring. Also, go f**k yourself. But in all seriousness ladies, when your dull and drab personality and subpar looks don’t get you anywhere on a date/with guys, then I suggest you start reading up on sports to give you some saving grace. Knowing any semblance of sports or a team is very helpful.

How do I start getting into sports?
Honestly, if you’re asking that question my only and best advice is to pick a team and bandwagon the shit out of them. Typically I think bandwagoners are the scum of the earth, but I guess everyone started as a bandwagoner at one point in their life, myself included – all the time. Oh, also, don’t pick a number one team to root for… because that makes you a scum of the earth Heat fan.

“I don’t get it. I don’t care. It’s just a lot to deal with. I really can’t give two shits.” – Female, 24, on March Madness

What does Katy Perry’s Dark Horse have to do with the tournament?
Everything and nothing. Everything in that KP’s Dark Horse video is absolutely fierce – can you say hot cheeto eating Cleopatra? WERQ KATY. Nothing in that Dark Horse in sports typically refers to a small / little known team that rises to prominence. Last year it was FGCU/Dunk City. But anyways.. can we talk about Katy Perry’s Twinkie pyramid in the video?

Elite 8, Sweet 16, The Big Dance… Explain.
To the novice, it may sound reminiscent of a cute, frilly, pink party: Cinderella stories, selection Sunday, Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight, The Big Dance. And then an old dude by the name of Dick Vitale dresses up in a fairy costume so I get it. It’s weird and confusing. But it’s fun. I couldn’t tell you who came up with these. I only know Marquette’s coach Al McGuire coined the term in 1977 when he, his famous blue blazer and his team were headed to the tournament. Other than that, all I can tell you is that logistically when you start with 64 teams at the beginning, each round halves that number in single elimination until you have the NCAA Division 1 Champion.

People at work are submitting brackets… Should I? How do I fill out a bracket?
Yes you should, first of all. It’s a lot of fun – even if you don’t entirely comprehend what is going on or know the players/coaches/teams. Warren Buffett (and Quicken — read: publicity stunt) is offering $1billion to whoever registers and fills out a perfect bracket. Your odds are literally 1:9,223,372,036,854,775,808. Like that’s quintillion. What the fuck is a quintillion? Anyways, that being said, highly doubtful your bracket will be perfect, so why not? You’ll make some ca$h money possibly and have some dinero in your pocket. But then again, your can fail miserably – but hey you tried and that’s what counts, kid.

“The winner this year could be a surprise.” – Male, 21, on March Madness.

I have absolutely no advice as to how to fill out a bracket. The first bracket I filled out in middle school (thanks to the Danny’s etc. for always letting me play with you boys) was probably based on whoever had the cutest point guard (also, 99.1% I won one of those years). So you could go that route if you’re just completely at a loss. You can go the analytical way and go heavy on the stats, percentages, etc. and pick accordingly. You can go the alma mater where you root for your alma mater or your parent’s / sibling’s / friend’s / significant other’s / yoga instructor’s alma mater to go all the way. You could go the media route and see what underdog/underrated team or favorites seem to be trending or talked about most among sports commentators. You can also go the Nate Silver route (Michigan State, whatever) and copy him. For the serious and skillful (ie. not me), there’s a lot of finesse and research and reasoning that goes into filling out brackets (and even hate brackets), but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. Also, don’t fill out your bracket in pencil, you asshole.

Who is Coach K?
K bye. You live under a rock. The “bible” is to Kardashians as Coach K is to sports fans. He’s one of those few human beings that are simply infallible. Unlike a lot of pro sports where coaching styles may or may not have an effect on the team, college basketball teams often revolve around dynasties, eras, revolving around coaches. It’s lovely. Also, you may or may not be able to judge a team by their coaches suit. See: Jay Wright… like just Google “Jay Wright in suit”. You’re welcome.

Anyways, Happy March Madness! All the cheesy, uplifting, TV montages. It’s a lovely few weeks to come and solidify that relationship between your ass and your couch… Apparently also prime time for men to get vasectomies.  May your brackets remain (mostly) intact. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Are you kidding me?”


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