If SkyMall is an Indicator of Where Humanity Is Headed, I Want No Part of It (I Think).

“If there is any piece of writing that defines our culture, I submit it’s the SkyMall catalog. To browse its pages is to understand the essential secret of American consumer life: That we’ve officially run out not only of things we need, but even of things we might plausibly desire.”

Bill McKibben

Every so often on a flight I find myself skimming through the SkyMall magazine in the seat back pocket in front of me. Seriously though, I’ve written about SkyMall a bunch of times… like here and here. The products range to absolutely absurd, to I shamelessly wish I had that. Needless to say, you can categorize majority of the products as weird and a terrible portrayal of life in 2014. Like, in 100 years from now someone in the future finds a SkyMall magazine, do you understand how ridiculous that would all seem? I think it would be, at least. Just look at some of these products:

 

BiffyButtler

Disgraceful.

Like, real cute with the “Butt”ler spelling there. Jesus Christ for only $99.99 you can get a bidet AND a digital accessory caddy AND a toilet paper stand all in one! Ha, yeah it’s “uniquely designed” for that uniquely special person. The very fact that you need a stand to hold your iPad while you take a shit is shameful… or are you THAT into Flappy Bird? You should be embarrassed.

 

Looq Remote Shutter

Give me selfie arm or give me death. I’m not using this sh**

In the age of the selfie, this is obviously (and sadly) a thing. “Embarrassed when asking a stranger to take pictures?” Hell, you should be embarrassed to use that contraption in public. Can I add that they use an Asian (to be specific, pretty sure she’s Japanese) chick in the advertisement? At least they know who they’re marketing to. I’m just fine with my selfie arm, thank you very much.

 

Sixteenth-Century Italian Replica Globe Bar

I want the next investment I put into my apartment to be a bar set. If I were into the whole 16th century, “Old World charm”, I guess I would go this route. Except I’m not. I’m a lush and I don’t have to conceal my drinking habits. Also, I’d like to opt for something a little classier than something you order in a free magazine, sorry.

 

Sippy Wine Glass

No, just no.

This is so horrifyingly dumb I can’t even handle it. “When standing and noshing, juggling a glass of wine can be challenging”. Excuuuse me?! You are dead to me if you can’t nosh and hold a glass of wine. It’s all about the delicacy and being able to multi task – afterall, what are you doing, scarfing food down with two hands? No. Sure, I may be a purveyor of two buck chuck and cheap vinos, however, YOU DO NOT DRINK OUT OF A GODDAMN SIPPY CUP. What are you, a fucking animal? It’s not even ironic.

 

Jeans Lounge Pants

Holy Jeanssus.

Who the f*** are you trying to fool here? You’ve clearly given up on life if you’re wearing lounge pants that emulate jeans… ripped and distressed jeans, at that. “A forgiving stretch”… is code for overweight people who can’t be real enough with themselves to get a REAL PAIR OF PANTS. Oh nice, black hole in your knee.

 

Chilled Shot Machine

Because chilled Jager on tap sounds like a great idea…

So many questions – why would they advertise this with Jager? I mean, I’m a fan (although I’ve been known to toss shots of Jager literally on the floor sometimes if I’m not in the mood), but out of all chilled shots. Also… chilled shots? Really necessary? You take shots to get drunk.. not to enjoy the chilled alcohol coursing through your system.

 

Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table

You okay down there, Basho?

I don’t know where to start. Poor Basho, he does not look like he’s having a particularly fantastic time being the table holder. Borderline racist SkyMall? I don’t know really. I really don’t. I’m just confused. I think I may be thinking about the Garage Magazine editor pictured on the “black woman chair”. Same thing, right? Great conversation piece to have in the house. I’m all about that.

Trailer Hitch Stand and Chairs

Sorry, for starters I’m extremely wary of hammocks / hammock-looking chairs… let alone hammock-looking chairs suspended from a trailer hitch. I DO NOT TRUST YOU. I would not be able to enjoy myself on said hammock-looking chair in fear I would fall (one time I did break an IKEA chair at my friends house upon sitting on it so that was embarrassing / slightly traumatic. In my defense I’m chalking it up to faulty design / assembly). SkyMall even says it can’t support more than 250lbs – Obviously I’m not 250lbs – but let’s be honest, people buying a trailer hitch stand and chairs (like the ones pictured) are overweight sports fans probably (generalization), who in most cases are probably bordering 250lbs…. so I’d like to see that disaster happen.

I don’t know who SkyMall’s target audience is: people that clearly do not give a flying f***, people that are unaware they are not giving a f***, or just gag gifts. Regardless, SkyMall is the magazine I love to hate, only because I don’t think I have it in me to order / be seen in public with any of these SkyMall products. Subtle hint: I accept SkyMall gifts. Especially the wine glass necklace here and here.

Dear God I hope our kind is not judged by a SkyMall magazine when the time comes.

Also, check out these AirShop photos (what happens when you photoshop SkyMall adverts… hilarity ensues).

via airshop.tumblr.com via airshop.tumblr.com via airshop.tumblr.com

 

 

And for the extra curious, like me, who wonder HOW IN THE WORLD DOES SKYMALL EXIST AND MAKE MONEY? Read this.

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

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