Go Home Cosmo, You’re Drunk!: 15 Things To Do On Ladies Night

Once again, Cosmo comes through with another brilliant, mindblowing, thought-provoking post for the books (oh jeez, the sarcasm is just reeking here). Grab your gal pals and get to it… or don’t… it’s your party, you can cry if you want to.

Sorry, Cosmo, I don’t “taste” wine. I DRINK IT.

Host a wine-tasting party. And by that we mean go buy a bunch of cheapish bottles, then sit around with your girlfriends sipping the different kinds while saying fancy things about their bouquets.

Come on Cosmo. Be practical. First of all, no practical human being JUST goes wine-tasting… let alone wine-tasting that you, yourself are hosting. It’s dumb and doesn’t make sense. You know what does make sense? Everyone bring their own bottle or two for themselves and having at it. HOLLA FOR 2 DOLLAS TWO BUCK CHUCK!

sorry, any meme with the poorly restore ecce homo is applicable to anything, in my book.

Buy a rando activity Groupon for something you’ve never done before, and treat your friend to an afternoon of it. Nothing says bestie bonding time like indoor skydiving or BYOB pottery.

CRINGE. JESUS CHRIST Cosmo, who edits you – a tween? “Rando”? Grow up … I thought I was reading J-14 or Tiger Beat for a second there. BYOB pottery I could possibly get behind, not so much skydiving.


Grab a bunch of penis paraphernalia and a fake veil from a local sex shop, and hit up your favorite circuit of bars like you’re at a bachelorette party. Take turns being the bride-to-be, dancing like it’s your last night of being a free agent.

Always trying to keep it classy and respectable, Cosmo.

Scour YouTube for makeup tutorials together to get some new going-out ideas. Take turns practicing them on each other until your Megan Fox-esque smoky eye is on point.

Do Avatar makeup tutorials count? Good god, I’ve watched that video since 2009 and it never gets old.


Go to a fancy home store and window shop with a friend, taking turns imagining what your house will look like in 10 years when you’ve made it big. It’s like the adult version of M.A.S.H.

Isn’t that what Pinterest is for? And then what do you do? Go home and slip into a state of depression and listen to the Smiths all night after you realize you’ll never make it big and never have floor to ceiling windows in your penthouse apartment? Sounds promising, Cosmo.


Hole up in your kitchen with a friend or two and attempt to invent the next brownie-like concoction, filled with your favorite junk foods. Cookie dough candy bar cupcakes? There’s no way this could turn out badly.

No, there is definitely a way this can end badly. Why work for your junk food when you have Ben & Jerry’s? #doingtoomuch

Because this is what you usually wear and how you typically pose, right?

Glam up, and then take turns snapping future Facebook profile pictures of one another. Since the pics won’t be gratuitously self-taken, your peeps will just assume you were caught at a house party or something looking fabulous as always (not scouring through the reels to find your hottest angle).

So nonchalant, Cosmo, it’s borderline deceiving. Then again, you can actually physically go to “a house party or something looking fabulous as always” and get the same effect.

 

Pull up your Netflix and have a Channing Tatum movie marathon together. Take a healthy sip of your cocktail whenever he pops up shirtless.

Um, yeah I would much rather not spend an entire night watching really shitty movies with titles like, Step Up, and Step Up 2. I watched a minute of one of those movies and it was horrendous. He was however, extra hood in Coach Carter… so I support that… and 21 Jump Street. I find funny/white boy ghetto Channing Tatum is much more entertaining and less offensive than sexy Channing Tatum.

k, Martha.

Snag a few cool craft ideas from Pinterest and gather your BFF for a night of DIY. Your inner Martha will be stoked, and you’re guaranteed to have a blast even if those homemade tile coasters come out looking questionable.

What starts as a light hearted night of crafting soon turns into a competition of perfectionists. No thank you. I would turn into a monster. YOU WILL NEVER BE MARTHA SO DONT EVEN TRY!

Challenge two or three of your friends to a Just Dance competition on the Wii—just as awesome as going out to dance, but sans the hour-long prepwork. Whoever comes closest to nailing Beyoncé’s patented shake is champ.

Or you can actually go out to dance. “Beyonce’s patented shake”… all you have to do is grind on that wood.

 

Me on the regular…

Go out to your favorite restaurant and order the least sexy, most delicious entrées you both never order on dates. You know she’s going to call you tomorrow regardless.

Thanks for assuming that I don’t already order “the least sexy, most delicious entrees”. I do what I want, Cosmo.

 

Throw an old school sleepover, complete with man gossip, facials, and your vintage O.C.DVD sets. You know you miss Ryan, Marisa and the gang.

Nowhere in there did I see a mention of alcohol… add that too. But you know whats better than the O.C.? Bad Girls Club. Youre welcome.

Seriously, who edits you Cosmo?

Grab two racquets and head to a nearby court for an endorphin-spiking, calorie-torching game of tennis—seriously. It’s the easiest sport to pretend to know how to play, plus you get to wear skirts and leap through the air.

In this edition of sexist shit Cosmo says that does not help the female image…

 

Hit up that store you can’t really afford and splurge on a new dress or bag—both of you. What are best friends for, if not to alleviate shopping guilt?

I mean, you could. Or you can save that dinero for something else, like rent, or brunch, or drinks. Best friends are also good for letting you know when youre making poor financial decisions.

Memorize the lyrics to “Call Me Maybe” (like you don’t already know them) and make a video of your crew having fun lip-syncing to it. If you’re feeling brave, share it on Facebook for internet infamy…maybe.

What are you? A TWEEN? Safe to say I’ve done this with Beyonce’s “Drunk in Love”, and I don’t think I will ever be sharing it on the interwebz. Like, are you really that dumb?

 

So what did we learn here, despite Cosmo’s suggestions?

1) Everything’s better with alcohol.

2) Watch Bad Girls Club if youre really staying in to watch anything, because it is fantastically rachet.

3) YOU’LL NEVER BE MARTHA STEWART SO QUIT TRYING.

4) Beyonce is the answer to everything “ladies night”.

Grab your biddies and have at it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: