Your Comprehensive Guide to Spring Cleaning

YOUR CLOSET

This is like the obvious epicenter of spring cleaning. Not to toot my own horn (okay, yeah I’m bragging because this is a big deal for me) but I spring cleaned the living crap out of my closet last weekend which resulted in two full bags of give away clothes. TWO BAGS. Also, I can close my drawers now and actually find that one shirt i was looking for instead of assuming I left it somewhere (right, because that happens…). So here’s what you need to do to get started: go drawer by drawer and ask yourselves the following (see infographic):
IMG_8651


Also ask yourself if you’re being practical. Is the clothing multi-functional (exclusive of formal attire)? Like would you wear it outside of your sorority’s neon day? Does it belong at a music festival or a rave (if yes – then toss it … no, burn it)? Is there a stain that has never vanished? Will you really ever fit into those jeans you bought two sizes too small (the answer is no, because you are not a practical person… and you’re being even more of an impractical person by keeping them around)? And that freakum dress you bought (who are we kidding, you have multiple) from Forever21… I’ll just be straight up with you and tell you that you should toss it. That sweater you bought from the Buffalo Exchange that looks like you are literally swimming in cotton? Keep it. Because I’m a huge advocate of twinning (tripling?) with the Olson twins.

YOUR SOUL

Whatever. Yeah be gone negativity. Last year I wrote about “unclogging” your chakras, or whatever the f**k they’re called. You can read it here if you’re interested. Apparently chakras (not cha-chas) are a big deal. Except if you don’t have a soul…

YOUR BODY

Drink Ballerina Tea, go to the juice stand on 14th st/1st ave and order their “Digestion Juice”, go to Siggy’s Good Food on Houston/Elizabeth… all of these things will redefine what a bowel movement. Not into the extreme? Juice cleanse… hell, drink a ton of water. You’ll feel great. Pretend like you’re doing something good for yourself and go to yoga… workout, whatever floats your boat. Your body is your temple… yaddayaddayadda.

YOUR FRIDGE

Yeah, those Thai leftovers from three weeks ago probably aren’t up to par with NYC health codes. And no, that fruit is not supposed to be “furry”. And that pungent smell isn’t your “goat cheese”.

YOUR PHONE

GQ did a brilliant article on Spring Cleaning your contacts. But hey, they’re paid to write good shit. So here’s what I think. Too often you’re scrolling through your phone (remember when everyone used Blackberry’s so you literally were PHYSICALLY scrolling with that rollerball?), more often than not drunk, looking for someone who may share your same thoughts at the moment. I’m not just talking bootycalls here. Like that really funny joke you shared with that guy you went on one date with, so you text him because you were reminded of it, and just like that you’re a damn fool. Or, as what happened to me before while interning, you end up sending an email to your bosses and co-workers during a night of drinking. Sometimes you just need to save yourself from… well, yourself. Those guys/girls you met at the bar that one time and only have their first names? Bye. Those students you met your freshman year (probably during orientation) and thought y’all were going to be the best of friends, only to find them complete strangers by your senior year, yet you’re still Facebook friends and have their number? Adios. Exes and men/women that have caused you emotional distress in the past? Yeah, sayonara bitches.

YOUR FINANCIALS

Pay off those credit cards. Balance your accounts. There’s no time like the present, you responsible adult, you!

YOUR APARTMENT

Personally, I had this covered the past few months considering my nervous energy would be spent either working out, baking, or cleaning the house. This is probably a good time to clean around the house and, you know, make it pretty.

YOUR FACEBOOK

There was a point (maybe it still happens and I’m not aware) where people all over my Facebook would post dumb status updates like, “JUST DELETED A BUNCH OF FRIENDS, YOU SHOULD FEEL LUCKY IF YOU’RE READING THIS BECAUSE YOU MADE THE FINAL CUT”. I shit you not. I also remember a time where you could mass unfriend Facebook contacts by just checking as many boxes as you wanted and clicking a button. Now its more complex, goddammit. This is in the same breath of purging your phone contacts. However, feel free to go crazy with this as people on Facebook are notorious for being asinine. Like, OH YOU HAVE A PRIVATE YACHT IN THE FRENCH RIVIERA? MUST BE NICE! Unfriend.  OH YOURE A MODEL NOW AND EAT A LOT OF HAMBURGERS BUT STILL KEEP A NICE FIGURE? Unfriend x2387423. OH YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED? Unfriend. OH YOU JUST HAD A BABY? Unfriend. (Jesus Christ I’m not that brutal, but you get the general gist). Also don’t feel bad about unfriending a person for poor grammar, bad link shares (by that I mean terrible sources, or just dumb articles), or just overall newsfeed clutter. Any reason is a good reason.

YOUR ATTITUDE

This is the toughest. I’m one of those people who goes into seasonal depression not because Winter sucks, but because baseball season is gone. So come Spring/Summer, its a complete turnaround. But hey, Winter is gone, Summer Fridays are only weeks away. Seersucker season is upon us. There is sun, thus an ample source of Vitamin D. What’s NOT to be happy about?!

Do your thing. Happy Spring Cleaning.

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