In Defense of the Ambien Defense

Let me preface this with the fact that I do not abuse prescription drugs. I don’t support it and am not condoning it. However, sometimes shit happens. I do have anxiety (diagnosed) which leads to insomnia, and thus days, or sometimes weeks straight without sleeping… hence the Ambien to put me to sleep. Last month Kerry Kennedy (yeah, that Kennedy) was found not guilty for drugged driving. Her defense was the Ambien defense, which the media and critics and most of the general public has ruled an absolute farse. I agree with them, in the courts it should be inadmissible, however, in all other matters – Ambien does weeeeeird things dude. It’s inexcusable, really. But you do, actually become a zombie.

February 14 2012: It’s Valentines Day. I hate Valentines Day. In order to cope with having a human sized gift being delivered to my apartment in front of others, I take an Ambien (except it was a Xanax) in order to take a nap – I have sleeping issues. I decide not to sleep. I go to classes. I text a guy I have been seeing on and off for the past year. Said guy comes to meet me in a public setting. We talk for a bit (I assume, I don’t remember much). I pass out directly into his crotch. In public. In front of peers. Mortified, attempt to play it off as best as I can, I hug him goodbye, and crawl home where I sleep for the rest of February 14th.

November 2013: I’m having a particularly difficult month. After just moving into a new apartment, my ex-roommates inform me that I will have to be moving out in less than a month because they STUPIDLY decided to not renew the lease without letting me know (so asinine). After passing the necessary emotions of anger, hatred, stress, anxiety begins to set in. I don’t even unpack my boxes as I will just have to pack them up again. My parents begin to see my stress and anxiety get the best of me as I am struggling to find a new apartment. I don’t sleep for a week straight. My dad flies into NYC for a “business trip” and helps me move some stuff into storage. Before retrieving the ZipCar I take an Ambien. I pass out / am heavily medicated for a majority of the move. Thanks Dad.

December 2013: I take an Ambien on my flight home to SFO. Well, technically I popped an Ambien before I went through security (medicine takes awhile to hit me sometimes). Wake up 3 hours into my cross-country flight with a puddle of drool on my shoulder. Got off the plane still groggy and demand In-N-Out.

April 2014: With [f]unemployment comes an incredibly irregular sleeping schedule, as if I didn’t have one already. I’ve identified a week which I need to be a highly functional human being, and thus, to prepare, I attempt to start a regular sleeping schedule and knock myself out with Ambien. Decide to get some rest early and pop an Ambien around 9pm (who knows, but according to text time stamps thats about when chaos ensued). Wake up to my alarm at 8:45am to find dozens of illegible (‘832rjlidfjlsl’ for example) texts sent, confused and baffled correspondents, and my iPhone apps in disarray.

And if that’s not enough for you, check out what these redditors have said on the matter:

Took an Ambien, forgot I had to do something on the computer. My brother was watching TV in the same room and asked me what the hell I was doing after 15 minutes of just staring at the monitor and I replied that I was watching 2 dinosaurs fighting. I was looking at my banking statement.” – djtelwaz

On my honeymoon, my wife and I took a cross-country flight to Orlando. Took Ambein about 45 minutes before boarding. We changed planes in D.C. and neither of us remembered. When we got home, there were self-portraits of us with the guy in the seat next to us.” – buzzdome

I actually took my cat with me to work one morning after taking Ambien at about 2 am. I remember very little and my boss sent me and my cat home then had a talk with me the next day. I just told him I had taken Ambien and he understood. Crazy drug.” – rbkfour

I was prescribed Ambien for sleep a couple years ago. I’d take it, go to bed, and wake up surrounded by Twinkie wrappers, or I’d go on dating websites and have long conversations with people and not remember the next morning.” – sonic_cherry

So lesson here? Don’t take Ambien. Stick to Melatonin or something less zombie inducing.

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