Your Guide To Having a Basic Summer

IMG_5101Because you’re basic and you don’t know any better than what everyone else is doing!

Step 1: Social Media hashtags

Use hashtags all the time, everytime. Because everyone loves hashtags! Hashtags also help you get more likes, and what do basics like more than floral prints, leggings, and guys who wear polos? SOCIAL MEDIA LIKES! Here are your go-to hashtags:

#summer2014/#summer – Starting this month all of your posts will include this probably

#beachinwithmybitches – Everyone loves alliteration

#tan – This is important. Being tan is important. Even if its in the dead of winter and somehow you manage to have the same orange glow you had in August. Weird.

#sun – Obviously! A Summer without sun is like a basic bitch without her biddies! Imperative.


Step 2: Instagram posts

I could delineate this by social media platforms, but let’s be real, if you didn’t Instagram it, it didn’t happen… am I right?

Can we not, this Summer? You are the actual worst.

Use this as an indicator to tell if you’re being basic enough!:

  • Hot dogs or legs beach photo: 4 points – This was a trend last summer, so if you’re still doing it, baby, you’re basic as fuck.
  • #manhattanhenge post: 2 points – This rare and elusive photo opp only comes a few times a year.
  • Beach photo with accompanying country / Zac Brown band lyrics in caption: 3 points
  • Margarita/drink instagram with “its 5’oclock somehwere!” caption: 4 points this is the equivalent of  instagramming your latte/triple-foam-what-the-fuck-ever during the Fall.
  • Photo of you wearing a fedora, or someone wearing a fedora in your photo (guilty by association): 5 points. Also, get new friends if they wear fedoras.
  • Fish face / duck lip selfie: 3 points
  • Generic beach photo (like, it can literally be taken anywhere) with caption talking about how you love the Hamptons/Montauk/East Egg: all the mother fucking points.
  • Anyone doing a “Summer Challenge” or “30 Days of Summer” etc. on Instagram that requires multiple days of different themed posts regarding summer: you’re so basic you deserve to be ‘Unfollowed’

Step 3: A Bitchin’ Summer Playlist

Add these artists to your “SuMm3R 2O14! <3” Playlist and you win!

  • -Calvin Harris
  • -Cash Cash
  • -LET IT GO FROM FROZEN (Someone tell me the draw here. I haven’t seen it, but I don’t get it. Explain)
  • -Lorde
  • -Turn Down For What – Lil Jon
  • -Pitbull
  • -Tiesto
  • -Icona Pop
  • -Katy Perry

Step 4: “Getting into Shape”

Do whatever on trend workout is hot right now! Yogilates? So hot right now. Beach bum workouts? All about it girl! Don’t forget to supplement with a green smoothie becuase you’re too cheap and basic to buy the actual green juice from your local juicer that actually has the nutrients etc. you should be getting while you’re abstaining from food.

Also, diet! OBVI! Naturally when summer starts up, a week before you need to get into your bikini you don’t eat for the whole 7 days, because that’ll help, right?! And like, maybe you’ll do a detox the week beforehand – oh but its Friday? Yeah, I guess those french fries are okay just this once. Or maybe you decide to generate some type of gluten intolerance a month before Summer? So down, girl.

Gluten intolerance looks SO HOT ON YOU RIGHT NOW!

Conclusion: Start eating / being healthy one week prior to your first beach trip / pool party… because thats natural and healthy, right? OH! Don’t forget to post your motivational / fitspiration on Instagram!!!!! OMG HOW COULD I FORGET!

This trend will be over in like 5 minutes.

Step 5: Master the Outfit

You want to be the betchiest betch of them all, right? Naturally you’ll want to wear whatever generic summer trend everyone else is wearing then. You know what all of the basics have been wearing? NEON, paisley, denim booty shorts, maxi dresses, faux grunge tees from Urban Outfitters that seem to be “vintage” and “cool” and “stylish” until you realize all of your other basic sisters have them too! Also wear a old rock band t-shirt that you weren’t even alive to listen to live! Wear feathers! Head bands across your head that don’t really hold your hair back, thus denying their actual purposes! Flower crowns, because WHY THE FUCK NOT!  Don’t forget to wear heels to an inappropraite / unnecessary locale like a grassy park! Like, what are you trying to do, aereate the lawn?

Step 6: Master the Attitude

You think youre better the rest, hell, don’t we all? But deep down inside, deep down in there, girlfriend, you aspire for nothing else than mediocrity. But that’s okay. You have millions of others with you too.

Officially need an acid shower from being so basic.

Have a bitchin’ Summer!

And to all of you basic bros out there: I’m sorry I don’t have a basic bro guide to Summer for you. I just don’t feel it’s right / my place to do that. Albeit I’ve dated enough of you, but no. We won’t go there. For your sake and more importantly, your ego’s sake.

One Comment

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  1. Hahahaha, ‘an acid shower’. Classic

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