This Is How You Flirt, Because Science.

So you’re on your first date, or maybe you’re at a bar and caught someone’s eye. Now what? You need to step up your game and get your flirt on, girlfriend. In today’s edition of Go Home Cosmo You’re Drunk!, surprisingly Cosmopolitan magazine is not at fault, but in fact, science tries to tell us how to flirt and we pick apart those flaws. On my subway ride to work, I scrolled across this article that seems to think that not only flirting is successful, but offers a few bits of advice, take it or leave it (I suggest leave it).

EYE CONTACT

Best case scenario: You bat your pretty little eyelashes and all the boys come running

Worst case scenario: They might do that thing where they don’t know if you are in fact, looking at them – look behind them, next to them – only to realize that, yes, this crazy is, in fact, staring at me. Your interest may think you want to kill them, or eat them alive, depending on your eye contact aggressiveness.

Mind the context: When I’m doing something mindless, like riding the train, or sitting at a restaurant, or any time I’m staring off into space, I find myself accidentally staring at a stranger. This is particularly bad when on public  transportation. A few things can come of this: A) the person will serendipitously smile at you (it’s a win-win), B) the person will get perturbed and furrow their eyebrows at you and telepathically say ‘staring is rude, bitch’ to which you will communicate with your expression ‘oh god i’m sorry!’ C) said person is a crazy vagrant who latches onto your accidental stare, thus making you a public spectacle / centerpiece for their non sequitur ranting.

SMILING

Best case scenario: You show off your pearly whites and see some in return. Afterall, the world is a better place when everyone smiles!

Worst case scenario: Your interest may smile back and to your surprise you find out that they are toothless, or wear a grill – both are equally shocking/disgusting; You will smile and unknowingly have red-wine stained teeth (I’ve seen it happen before, trust me) or half of your kale salad in your teeth;

Mind the context: Don’t be fake about it. Smile because you mean it. I’ve done that thing where you see someone showing interest in you from across the room who is vaguely attractive and feel obligated to smile, so you overcompensate with a fake smile. Be genuine about it. Also, moderation is key. You’re trying to be attractive, not look like a goddamn maniacal monster.

ARM TOUCHING

Best case scenario: You’ll get a feel for the ‘ceps.

Worst case scenario: You will shock them (one time I was at the movies on a date and said date put his arm around me. Engrossed in the movie, I freaked out and thought I was going to get mugged and turned around and swatted his hand away in my shock). You actually literally will shock them, like with electricity because y’all are so electric. But seriously, get the fuck out of my space. HAVE YOU HEARD OF PERSONAL SPACE?

Mind the context: Yeah, not highly suggested if out in public and words have not been exchanged beforehand. You can’t fucking go around touching peoples goddamn arms all the time. It’s not cute.

FACE TOUCHING

Best case scenario: You’ll probably get laid.

Worst case scenario: UHM CAN WE NOT?! DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY FACE! WHO THE FUCK SAID THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA THIS IS TERRIBLE, DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME AT ALL GET YOUR GODDAMN GRIMY HANDS AWAY FROM ME!

Mind the context: Again, you cant just go around touching peoples faces, even if you have chatted beforehand. It’s weird. Hell, if i’ve been dating a guy for a bit and he touched my face in public I most likely would hand block that shit and throw in a “Ooooh no, you did NOT just try to touch my face” (included: snapping, head bobbing, pursed lips). No.

“HUGGING BEHAVIOR”

Best case scenario: Because most people like hugs, right?

Worst case scenario: People exist that hate hugging… like me. Also, can we clarify the difference between hugging and “hugging behavior”? What else is hugging behavior? Unclear. But seriously, people need to stop assuming that everyone loves hugging. Not me, not this girl right here that’s for sure.

Mind the context: Know the difference between I’m hugging you because our time together is ending, and I’m hugging you to cop a feel.

LIP LICKING

Best case scenario: You’ll look absolutely, entirely, deliciously seductive… or like a predatory LL Cool J which could be your thing.

Worst case scenario: Saliva. Everywhere. You will look nowhere close to what you had in mind. But also, how in the fucking world can this possibly go right?

Mind the context: Yeah, do not do this in public where this can be misconstrued or others might think your lip licking is for them. That’s a hot mess just waiting to happen.

SIGNALING INTEREST

Best case scenario: You’ll both be on the same page!

Worst case scenario: Nope. No. Shut down. Also, no one wants to see your boner.

Mind the context: If they are with their significant other, I’d say its most likely a bad idea.

ACT LIKE JAMES BOND

Best case scenario: Well I assume this is for men, but you’ll look like a handsome, devilish, badass.

Worst case scenario: You’ll look like a bonafide masochistic pig.

Use sparingly: Try to be a grade A douchebag just some of the time, rather than all of the time.

Seems foolproof…right?

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