I’m Not Good at Goodbyes, So Don’t Hate Me

10169284_10154095197160577_5276860184471756545_nThe other day I had to say a really tough goodbye. One of my closest friends, who I’ve known since high school, left NYC for CA. It wasn’t all too sudden, yet when I had to say goodbye, it hit me like a ton of bricks because A) I have been in absolute denial for the past few months, and B) I actually had to say goodbye.

My history with goodbyes is not a great one.

For starters, I have something literally wrong with my tear ducts that make it impossible for me to cry at opportune moments (the only movie I cried in was Ladder 49, but I think I was on my period when I watched it. I was 12 when it came out. Thats old enough to be on your period, right?). So instead, I’m just left feeling hopelessly sad on the inside, while everyone around me can release their emotions through their sobbing. My best friend, Malia (who can count the times I’ve cried in front of her on one hand, probably), recently called me out and recalled, “you didn’t even cry at Senior retreat in high school”. My high school, being all girls (read: insane amounts of estrogen permeating the air), was notorious for their senior retreats as not a dry eye was left in the building… except if you’re Madeleine Tabing. Everyone around you is hugging and crying with their mascara streamed faces and you’re just standing there like, “I’m sad too, sorry I don’t show it”.

So needless to say, I have an awkward way of showing my emotions, let alone saying goodbye.

I usually opt for a wave emoji and call it a day.

Back when my younger sister graduated high school, my Mom, as honorary mother of the Valedictorian (first time for her, as yours truly was never a brilliant child that received such high honors), was asked to speak to a bunch of parents and graduates. Her discussion was based around ‘goodbyes’ and focused around how awkward my family is about saying goodbye to each other. Particularly, she talked about how awkward I was about saying goodbye to my family. I asked her to recall what she said,

Oh, you know, when you went off to Villanova and after we’d moved you in, you walked us out to the parking lot while I was crying and said ‘guys, I really think you should go‘”.

If you know me, or my relationship with my family, you would know how much I love them and that I would never (seriously) say something like that cold heartedly. Unfortunately, her recollections didn’t end there.

I also talked about how when I moved you out to NYU, and after I moved you in and we had lunch, you just hailed me a cab to take me back to my hotel” she told me, laughing. Again, I’m not a cold-hearted bitch (at least to my family), but I think this is further evidence how terrible I am with saying goodbye.

Other things I’ve had issues with saying goodbye to:

    • When the Giants traded Joe Nathan to the Twins for fucking A.J. Pierzynski. Why do you think I hate AJ to this day? True P.O.S.
    • When Kaep filled Smith’s shoes and the Niners traded him to the Chiefs. Again, more anger in place of a goodbye.
    • When Rob Nenn retired.
    • When Omar Little died in The Wire
    • When Barry Bonds left the MLB (still in denial – go ahead hate on me)
    • Derek Jeter’s retirement… Have you seen RE2PECT? I think I may have almost cried.
  • When I left one of my retail jobs, I peaced out without saying adios to anyone. I stopped into the store a year later (almost exactly) and my old co-workers were like, “YOURE ALIVE”, “What happened to you?”, “I thought you died”. No. I just am not comfortable saying bye.
  • This whole CRUMBS cupcake going out of business debacle. It has me feeling feels.
  • 80% of the time with guys I’ve dated I have magically disappeared. I can’t even say I’m a slow fader. I’m more of a poof-she’s-gone- kinda gal. And why not?! I’m not going to stick around and have a sentimental/emotional goodbye. WHO ARE YOU?!

Needless to say, my friend knew she was in for an awkward goodbye when she left the other day. While she cried, I rubbed her back (better than patting a back, which I have done before), and thought to myself, “I think I can do better than this”, so I hugged… no, I embraced her. The effort probably would’ve said enough (as I hate hugging people), because immediately she yelled, “OH MY GOD YOU’RE HUGGING ME RIGHT NOW”, because my out of comfort zone uncomfortable-ness probably was so obvious.

So that went off without a hitch, obviously.

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