I wouldn’t say things have been out of hand as of late. I eat pretty well for the most part, and I exercise and run on the daily. However after a weekend of binge drinking, Pomme-Frites-eating, and slothing around, you start to feel like things should veer a different way… Maybe your life, maybe your aspirations, I don’t know. I don’t need to lose weight (but hey, don’t we all want to lose like what 5-10lbs on a day to day basis?) but I would like to detoxify myself. Who? Me. (I am Madeleine… The Elusive Chanteuse – Mariah Carey joke, keep up) Obviously. What? Blue Print, Level 3, Excavation Cleanse. Yeah it sounds scary. Color me nauseous (But actually, as 50% of the juices are green juice). Why? Just because. I’m approaching time in my life where I feel like a bored housewife. All I do is work, workout, sleep and drink… and eat sometimes. I’ve tried almost all of Blue Print’s juices from the beet juice, pineapple mint to the green juice, and I love them, so again… why not. I’ve also done the Master Cleanse (see cayenne pepper, lemon, honey) which confined me to a fetal/recumbent position for 48 hours not steps away from a bathroom… and just felt incredibly hangry / tired. So I figured I’d try something pro. Goals:
- Detox. Detox. Detox. I literally want every grain of shit I ate in the last two decades to leave my body. You think I’m kidding. Why do you think I chose the most drastic / insane cleanse that says “EXCAVATION LEVEL 3” in its title? Its begging for crazy motherfuckers to partake. Remember that time I did Ballerina Tea? LOL.
- I need more energy. I don’t get enough sleep so I resort to coffee. I become reliant on coffee. This is a vicious cycle. I’ve tried multiple times to go cold turkey on the coffee sitch but what resulted was a massive withdrawl, headaches, nausea, ‘literally dying’ and all. Hoping this will jump start a caffeine-less being (for now).
- Get healthier. Like I said, I exercise a lot and eat pretty/decently well. What I’m saying is I don’t treat my body like a goddamn garbage disposal. I’m not an animal. But at the same time, I like meat and I like carbs and laugh in the face of vegans and vegetarians, so there’s that.
- Lay off on the drinking. I’ve been drinking a lot. This is a great time to get the alcohol out of my system and give my poor liver a rest.
- I told my Mom and sister about my cleanse and about my alcohol detox (I’m aiming for sobriety until mid-August so we’ll see how that goes). They focused in on the alcohol detox part and were like “DON’T DO IT”, “YOU’LL GO THROUGH WITHDRAWLS”… thanks guys.
- I told my roommates about my cleanse and warned them of my 1) impending HANGRINESS to expect in the upcoming weekend, 2) I may threaten to throw out all of their carbs to forgo the temptation, 3) for all intents and purposes I will be dominating the toilet in our apartment. They took it well, I think. TBD.
I’m doing this all wrong already. I got this email from BPC with instructions on pre-cleanse things to do etc. Basically cut out sugar, coffee, dairy, blah, blah, blah. This is the first morning without coffee I’ve had in awhile… like since March. I’m already in a world of hurt at work. My head hurts… my body hurts too I think. My brain hurts. Its probably the lack of coffee, and also the few glasses of wine I had last night… We’re obviously off to a great start. If it’s any consolation I had wine and cheese (mostly wine) for my dinner last night, so getting a head start on that whole no-food thing for the weekend. The juices arrive later, MY BODY IS READY. But first let me eat a carb or two.
1PM: No coffee. No problem. Thank BABY JESUS today’s only a half day at work. I’ve had 2 juices (and 2 bottles of water and 1 cup of hot water), and I have to say this #2 green juice AKA “spicy green juice”, as it has ginger and lemon, surely beats the regular green juice. But they’re still tasty. And having me make bathroom trips every 10 minutes. Let me just say, I already have a small bladder and am a frequent bathroom user (I drink about 2-3, 20 oz. bottles of water a day) at work, so adding in an all liquid diet right now is not helping my case. Bathroom: 7, Maddy: 0. 8:30PM: Things are dandy. I’m on #5 and I haven’t died or anything. I went on a 9 mile run and workout, and I would be a sack of shit if I said I wasn’t craving a little snacky snack. Instead of dwelling on the lack of post-workout food, I opt to do my laundry, and clean my room, and dust (I’m saving cleaning the entire apartment if things get real bad tomorrow). SIDENOTE: I licked my arm just to taste salt again. This is going great. This is probably the most productive Friday afternoon I’ve ever had… I guess that’s what happens when you cut out happy hour / drinks… Oh, yeah, and some assholes next door are cooking GARLIC BREAD. Can you think of anything more fragrant / buttery / carb-a-licious? Holy hell… I keep telling myself I’m not a cheater. Do not cheat. Does anyone know how to tap “CAN YOU NOT” in morse code?
11AM: I probably shouldn’t have worked out yesterday. I woke up hungry and ready to eat my goddamn hand. I opt for a cup of hot water and #1 juice instead. Unsatisfying. 3:45PM: I thought it’d be a good idea to go to hot yoga. It was amazing. By amazing I mean I’ve never sweat before in my life. I have an on and off relationship with yoga – when I’m on, we’ll go every day 7 days a week, etc. I’ve done hot yoga a number of times and I have never sweat so much before. Like, I was swimming in my own sweat. It was lovely/disgusting. I like to think it was all of the toxins leaving my body. Can’t tell if I feel amazing or if I’m in this euphoric state before I pass out. Oh well. I might be dying. 4:30PM: With detoxifying I figured it’d be a good time to get my life in order, including getting my eyes checked / my contacts and glasses Rx expired so here I am. Completely unrelated to the cleanse, I get my pupils dilated. I walk home with one of those star trek-ish looking visor glasses (thankfully the eye doctor is only a handful of blocks away). I’m blind for the rest of the day for all intents and purposes. 8:00PM: I’M HUNGRY! WHO SAID THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I NEED SOMETHING TO EAT BESIDES LIQUID. ALSO, NEVER LOOK AT INSTAGRAM IF YOU’RE HUNGRY. THIS WAS A DUMB IDEA.
10AM: I wake up feeling fantastic. Extremely energized, refreshed yaddayadda yadda you get it. I’m still hungry. At this point I’m looking beyond the hungry part though. I decide its a good idea to go to yoga again and sweat my ass off. 1:45PM: Unbeknownst to me, the yoga class I went to was a 90minute class. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE GOING THROUGH A 90 MINUTE YOGA CLASS HAVING NOT EATEN FOOD IN MORE OR LESS 50HOURS?! I pushed it aside and conquered that shit though. Yogis: You know that part in class during either half-pigeon or the final savasana when some people just release a flood of emotion and even start crying? Usually I laugh to myself. Today, I understood why they cry/have emotional outbursts… ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE CLEANSING AND THEY ARE SO GODDAMN HUNGRY AND HATE THEMSELVES FOR PUTTING THEMSELVES THROUGH YOGA CLASS. Probably. 2:00PM: While we’re going outright crazy I decide why not go for a little run. I go for a 1.5 miler which really kind of pisses me off, but I figure I probably shouldn’t push it. 2:45PM: I’m dead. Laying out in the sun sounds like a good idea. I fry myself for a good hour and a half and retreat to my AC-infused apartment. You know what would be real good right now? A rotisserie chicken. No, fried chicken. From KFC. And mashed potatoes, and a biscuit. That would be nice…. Okay, a salad would be nice too, I would settle for that. OH MY GOOD LORD I AM SO HUNGRY. I contemplate eating a baby carrot. Or a slice of a bell pepper. I contemplate real hard. No. I’M NOT A CHEATER.
6:42PM: I need something else for my taste buds. I settle for a new juice BPC sent me… like a bonus jonas! It’s actually AMAZING. PSA: Blue Print Cleanse’s cold pressed cashew coffee is incredible! It’s a new product so you can find it on the shelves at Whole Foods soon! Cashew milk is becoming the new almond milk which previously replaced the once-trendy soy milk, so start adding cashew milk to you vocab all you trendy eaters etc. Jokes and sarcasm aside, its really amazing. I think I needed a bit of caffeine anyways.
7:00PM: In a response to one of my hangry tweets, my FAVORITE bagel place in the city hooked up ya gal… Thanks for looking out Tompkins Square Bagels ❤
This was a fantastic cleanse. Food is constantly on my mind, so of course I complained and bitched and moaned, but it really had wondrous results. I feel great, cleaner and lighter (7lbs lighter to be exact, not that I was obsessively checking). But I guess thats what naturally happens when only liquids are coursing through your system for 72hours and you sweat every ounce of your water weight out. Sidenote: I’ve only pooped once and I’m not “stopped up”. But actually, it could be because for the first time in months I didn’t drink or was hungover, but I have had the most energy I’ve ever had since… I don’t know when. A long time probably. I had no caffeine withdrawals – which is a novel idea in my book, and no migraines or headaches (which also happens when I don’t eat/consume sugar). Who knows if my alkaline levels are balanced (its what this particular cleanse touts), but I’m feeling good and refreshed. I’ve also learned a lot about myself and my eating habits, for instance – I snack a lot, and I should probably eat more raw veggies (vs. cooked/sautéed).
Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely. Especially after a two month bender. Would I suggest it? Yes. It’s great. A lot of people want immediate, obvious, physical results, which for all intents and purposes are temporary and short-lived. BPC sets you up for a healthy lifestyle and gives you a kick in the ass in the right direction. 100% recommended.