Ranking Our 2014 NFL Quarterbacks

None of my friends let me play fantasy football with them for 2 reasons: 1) Because I get ultra competitive and become an asshole real quick, and 2) Because I’m always right… obviously. And no one likes getting owned by a girl. The NFL season is upon us in a few weeks, and everybody knows I love nothing more than watching a good QB matchup. Quarterbacks are my favorite part of football. Obviously they’re integral, but for me, football without the quarterback discussion is like eating a cheeseburger made out of tofu… it just ain’t right. So let’s get down to it.

The QB I love so much and hope he makes it to the playoffs just because (I mean, I have a reason):

Alex Smith

Obviously. You damn fool. Granted, back in 2005 when the Niners picked him #1 overall over Aaron Rogers, I had a bitch fit in a hotel room in Reno (or maybe it was Spokane, Washington), and I cried because I wanted Rogers to play for the Niners SO BAD. But alas, I sucked it up, became a Smith fan, and stood behind him in the Singletary days and even when Harbaugh benched him… and then, even when Kaep took his starting spot. I still will stand behind him under Reid and the Chiefs. Alex Smith will always have a special place in my heart for me. I would love to see him in the playoffs just as like a “F**K you Niners!”, I’ll settle for the 10/05 game (which for all intents and purposes will be a goddamn holiday for me) to watch Smith put some numbers up against Kaep.

The QB I love and but always be bitter about and cry about every Sunday:

Aaron Rogers.

See the above. Everytime Rogers does well (UM LIKE EVERY SUNDAY), I make a point of telling the story of my breakdown in the hotel room whilst watching the NFL Draft and Rogers did not get selected. EVERY TIME. Do us all a favor and just shut me up when this happens, alright?

The QB that you HAVE to just feel sorry for because they might as well be scum of the earth but he’s probably a real great guy and all:

Matt Cassel

As if you didn’t see that coming. This poor schlep has been consistently shat on by Jaws (see: Ron Jaworski, ya fucking noob) year after year… yet he still sees the light of day. A BAD QB like Cassel really sticks out like a sore thumb when you have a dude like Adrian Peterson on the team… but nothing to do with him. This year, with Teddy Bridgewater & co. duking it out for Cassel’s job, I’m EXTRA prone to shed a tear or two for him.

The QB I’m calling right now is about to break out:

Sometimes you like what you see and you just know it.

Blake Bortles.

I’m not a flip flopper like fucking (check out that alliteration!) Skip Bayless, now. Draft time came about and I called this kid was going to make waves, not only because of his nice looking suit, but just because I have that sixth sense (don’t fuck around with it).  I called it then, and I’m flying my BB flag now, so when y’all hop on the Teddy Bridgewater train, you’ll regret it.

The QB who I wish was on another team because I have serious issues with their current team:

Russel Wilson.

Wilsons a great guy. I love him. The Seahawks? Not so much. ALSO CALLING YOU SEAHAWKS FANS OUT. I’m not one to be an Internet bully, but I wrote one goddamn Tweet about Pete Carroll which had 3/4 of the city of Seattle (that knew how to use the interwebz, that is) on my ass, ripping me apart. But yeah. NO on the Seahawks. BIGGER NO ON PETE GODDAMN CARROLL. So sue me.

The QB who will be consistently good, but just ‘good’. Like not underwhelming just like ‘meh that’s enough I guess‘:

Dat beard would make an Amish blush.

Andrew Luck.

Of course I’m biased because I’m a born and raised Bay Area chick, but Andrew Luck is the dude. I don’t know if its his mormon beard look he’s got going on, or the fact that he’s a Stanford guy, but he does it for me. Also, this year he can throw to Hakeem Nicks, so there’s that…

The QB who really pisses me off and gives me anxiety and really to be honest I would rather not, thanks:

Colin Kaepernick.

As I said before, yes, I am a Bay Area gal. My grandpa is a diehard Niners fan, and we’re a Niners household. But HOLY HELL, I cannot for the LIFE OF ME jump on the Kapernick bandwagon. I can’t stand the guy – even during the playoffs. He’s too immature and young and I think he has a LONG ways to go. The hype around him is absolutely unwarranted… but not as much as his BIG FUCKING SALARY NEGOTIATION. Jesus Christ. Way to screw the Niners over for the next few years. Keyword with Kaep? Inconsistent. Sorry. There, I said it. All of my friends from home now actually have a reason to hate me now.

The QB I’m really rooting for because I feel bad for them and they’re not working with much, and its like “CAN YOU HELP A BROTHER OUT PLEASE?!“:

They call me “Matty Ice”… no, but really. We share a nickname.

Joe Flacco. Jay Cutler. Matt Ryan.

These guys are amazing. Everything else is sad and makes me want to cry. Plus, those in the know call me ‘Matty Ice’, so naturally Matt Ryan is my spirit animal… except when he’s playing the Niners.

The QB that really should eat shit and die. Or just stop being an overall asshole:

Literally the definition of ‘shit eating grin’

Johnny Manziel.

As if you weren’t thinking it. Biggest shit head in the game.

“I just want to see him folded in half by the D line.” – Male friend (who also clarified that yes, it is a sexual innuendo).

The 2nd string QB that’ll pull through early-mid season as a starter because shit happens so oh well:

Blake Bortles. Michael Vick. Kirk Cousins. Brandon Weeden.

Bortles we talked about. Obviously Geno Smith will start like what, a week for the Jets and then obviously Vick will start the rest of the season. As for Kirk Cousins… as much as I LOVE RGIII, and want to see him come back this year full force, I can’t see him staying healthy all season – giving Cousins half the starts. And alas, Brandon Weeden. Remember that time Romo was benched (back), and Kyle Orton (who is retiring or some shit), rocked the Eagles during their season finale? Yeah, Romo plays what 20% of the games, so obviously, Weeden is about to see a lot of field time.

Anyways, we’ll check back in mid-season to see if this all holds up still. One thing will be for sure… Johnny Manziel and Pete Carroll will still be the biggest assholes of the NFL.

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