Assholes On A Plane

Because you know this is all true… (you’re probably one of the below, I BET).

Fragrant Eater

I don’t know why you thought it’d be a good idea to bring your tuna melt from 2 hours earlier onto a plane where you SHARE AIRSPACE WITH PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE. Its like you woke up and said to yourself, “you know what? I’m going to bring the most repulsive, pungent smelling thing I can possibly eat, onto the plane to make everyone else on the plane sick to their stomach”. Pickled vegetables / anything? Yeah, seems like a GREAT IDEA.

I know rite Cee Lo?

Fragrant Feet

You’re just as bad as the Fragrant Eater. Yeah I get it, so you’re one of those people whose feet swell on the plane so you have to take your shoes off. And socks? I guess? Or maybe you just like to get comfortable, kick off your shoes (and socks?) and call it a day while you sit in transit in the air. Guess what you inconsiderate fucker? No one wants to smell your nasty feet. Keep your socks on for goddsake, or do something about that foot odor. LIKE DID YOU ROT YOUR FEET FOR A YEAR AND DIP THEM IN FISH SAUCE? Come on. That can’t be healthy.


Duggar Family Reunion

I dont CARE that you’re family is 15 people and you stupidly decided to scatter all over the plane, or that you realized your distant auntie is on the plane too. Politely ask to switch seats and call it a goddamn day. I don’t want to be talked over, I don’t want you to lean on me while you talk across me, I don’t want your ass in my face while you chat up your friends / fam. This is an airplane, not a goddamn social event. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

2-Seater

Disclaimer, I’m not a complete asshole, but I feel like I’m allowed to say this as I had to endure a 1.5hr flight seated… no, jammed into my seat next to a woman who probably should have coughed up another ~$100 for another seat. For her personal comfort, and mine. Don’t get me wrong, if you can’t comfortably fit in an airplane seat, there are a lot of other problems I’m sure you’re dealing with. But don’t make it others’ problems as well. I’m trying to get to my destination safely here too – preferably unsquished.


Needs Leash At All Times

You know whats the worst? When you’re trying to sleep and a baby is crying… no, a baby is screaming bloody murder, the entire six hour flight. There goes any chance of shut eye I was hoping for… me and 100 other people. Also the worst? When a lunatic baby is running up and down the aisle. I get that you need to walk that thing and it gets restless after not being tended to for awhile, but I get real uncomfortable, real fast when said child decides to stop at my seat and try to play and I’m just like, “Please. Whats the most polite baby way to tell you to leave my personal space, and no I don’t think you’re cute?” And the parents are too relieved to have it out of their proximity for a second that they can’t give two flying shits that you don’t care for little humans and quite frankly just want it out of your face.

“Throning”

I hardly ever sit in the middle seat (because what sane person actually PICKS the middle seat)… I’m more of a window seat type of gal. That being said, everyone knows the struggle of having arm rest property. Typically its first come first serve – you sit down, you put your arm down and claim the crap out of that arm rest. But, sometimes the middle seat will sit down and the window-ers and aisle-ers will find themselves subjected to what I call, “throning”… that is, when the middle seater elbows their way to the armrests on both sides. Like, I get it middle-seat-er… you don’t have much going for you, so I’ll give it to you. But don’t pretend like I didn’t notice that passive aggressive elbow jab.


Bobbers

They’re not just on planes – and I’m sure we’re all guilty of it… drifting asleep and finding ourselves doing the headbob, trying to keep ourselves awake. I inevitably find myself doing half to full-on head bob while waiting on the runway sometimes. But where it gets dicey is when your head bob is interfering with your neighbors personal space. Or maybe you’re one of those people who doesn’t mind a stranger sleeping on you, drooling on your shoulder, and waking up like nothing happened… if so, you go Glen Coco. Being a fan of personal space, I can truthfully say, nothing is more terrifying than when sitting on a plane (or train, subway, public transportation) and your neighbor has got the head bob / sleepy lean going on. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF AND SIT UPRIGHT. YOU HAVE A SPINE! USE IT! Get your sleepy self out of my space.

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