How To Get Past The First Date (Don’t Listen to Anyone, Including YCKMS)

The oh-so-dreaded/anticipated first date. An amen/hell yes to my sister friend who landed the first date with a dude who’s been on her radar for awhile now. Girl, I know you’re shaking in your Sam Edelman boots, but you’ve got this on lock. Here are a few pointers:

DON’T go all in. All the way, all out, balls deep, 100% etc. I like to not only leave something to the imagination, but also assume there will be multiple dates that follow so the only place to go is up. If you go all out 100% date uno, then what? You played all your cards girlfriend. Plus, if he don’t like you at sub par, then he doesn’t deserve you at 100%. Ya feel me?

DO go halvsies. You’re a modern woman, for the first date, pay (or offer to pay) half. It’s polite. Unless he proves to be a complete asswipe the first 10 minutes, then let him have it.

DON’T try too hard. Who the fuck are you kidding. You’re not perfect and you pretending to be perfect is a big fat joke. Just don’t try.

DO ease up and go with the flow. Trust me, quirkiness wins over stepford wife. Trust.

DON’T talk about your crazy exes (it’s so easy to do when there’s been so many of them, amirite?)

DO give the notion that you’re not afraid to turn into a crazy ex. Kidding. NOT KIDDING. 😉

DON’T have expectations.

DO have standards. There’s a difference.

DON’T FOLLOW THE RULES

…including this entire blogpost (probably)

I’ve scoured the Internet for a incomprehensive list of things everybody things you SHOULDN’T DO.
Now I’m going to tell you why you SHOULD.

eHarmony says, DON’T embellish.

As a PR professional and as a self-proclaimed writer, embellishment is my forte (this doesn’t mean I’m a liar, okay?). Now, I only disagree with this in certain circumstances. Those circumstances being: your date is clearly an asshole; you know this date will not progress beyond this first date; you probably will never see this person again; its a complete flop. In those cases, I’m going against eHarmony and saying EMBELLISH ALL THE FUCK YOU WANT! I’ve had a few dates where the above circumstances may have been encountered and basically I created a whole persona for myself (AKA I told him about the person I wished I was). I was from Portland and surfed around the west coast a bit and now am living in the city to get a handle on the workforce, but I couldn’t find a job so I’m working as a bar back while working in an art gallery in SoHo during the day. During my free time I like to do sketch comedy. To this day I will never know if he thought I was a complete fraud or not.

kbye you win.

Men’s Fitness tells men, DON’T wear a suit.

I’m a huge proponent of a suit-wearer. Albeit, if said date is at a dive bar, a concert, a grimy Lower East Side locale, then maybe you should’ve gone home and changed. But a suit says, I’m here I just got off of work and I’m ready to have a good time. Tell me how that isn’t winning? I’ve been known to be extremely soft on guys wearing suits… especially seersucker suits (if you know, you know).

A lot of people probably say, DON’T mention that you have a problem.

Personally, I find fault with this. Hypothetically speaking here… if I’m on a first date at a bar and you order a cranberry soda while I’m throwing back g&t’s like it’s nobody’s business and you neglect to tell me you’re a recovering alcoholic, well, we have a problem. Well, hypothetically speaking, would have a problem with that. So yes, if you’re in recovery / have a problem / have some inner demons, I feel like that would be something worth mentioning.

eHarmony says DON’T bring up the friend zone.

Wouldn’t you rather know if you’re being friendzoned right off the bat, than say, after date #4 or so (maybe, well I hope to god, by then it will make itself apparent)? And the friendzone isn’t a be-all-end-all thing. Sometimes people just click better as friends, rather than romantic partners, and so be it!

Coupon queens/kings are so attractive like ughhhhh

eHarmony says DON’T use a coupon for dinner.

LOL. Wait. Your date actually might admire your frugality and savviness and your ability to plan ahead! In NYC, where we’re all grinding and pinching pennies, your date might be like, HEY! You know what! That’s sexy! This person really knows how to save… 20% off of our appetizer! Wow! Date #2 here we come! I wonder if we can scalp Yankees tickets…” 

Match.com says, DON’T mention medication or disease.

Sorry, I find this comical only because, when on a first date would this happen to come up? I think you have other things to worry about than first dates if your personal medication or disease is the first thing on your mind in a conversation, my friend. That being said, something should be said in defense of full disclosure. Yes, please tell me if you’re on anti-depressants regularly (nothing wrong with that), or if you need to take a medication 2x a day, every day to prevent you from shitting yourself randomly. And that recessive disease you have? Yes, I would like to know about it within the first 5 minutes I meet you because I wouldn’t want to pass something like that onto my future children etc.

I cannot compete.


Match.com 
says, DON’T reveal gory details about your family.

I’m going to disagree on this one, you Match.com experts. Granted, nothing is wrong with my family whatsoever (we’re the nuclear model, and we’re fairly normal), but I talk about my family a lot – not just on first dates, but pretty much to anyone who will listen. Sure, me talking about my normal family won’t reveal any personality traits that set off red flags (other than I love my family dearly), but for some – it may. Take for instance the mama’s boy and the daddy’s girl. You, as a date and maybe a future prospect / future mate / future significant other… will NEVER ever compare to said dates mom or dad. They have such high standards for the respective women and men in their lives that they will not accept anything different – which leads to an extreme adjustment period. Um, yeah so that first date? Let’s call it, only date.

And lastly, the biggest bit of advice I can give you….

DON’T EVER SAY you don’t like burritos / burgers.

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