Real Life Grown Up Things That Are Actually Not Grown Up Things.

Sometimes I feel like a real life adult, sometimes I definitely do not.

My dad once called me Peter Pan…

Contributing to my 401k

I get my paycheck and see the deduction and think “wow, look how adult I am, contributing to my future and all”. I then spend 50% of the remainder of said paycheck on alcohol, thus contributing to the declining future of my liver health.

Drinking a glass of wine

I just had a long day at work and let me “unwind” (more on this later) with a glass of wine. This is a very adult thing to do. Except when a glass turns into a bottle, and a bottle turns into you waking up at 2am with your TV on “Bad Girls Club”.

Using the word “unwind”

This is a very grown up, real person word to use. This lingo says, I am a responsible adult and I and so tightly wound worrying and working that I need to relax and take a step back every so often. But then I actually “unwind” and it turns into the above (wine drunk, watching Bad Girls Club), or you find yourself in the back of a cab at 4am trying not to throw up.

Cooking/baking

On the weekends sometimes I like to bake homemade goods. This makes me feel very domesticated and like a real person. However, come the week days, I can’t be bothered with sparing time to cook dinner and may opt for a Chipotle dinner.

Go to baby/bridal showers

Obviously this is an adult thing to do because when you get old, your peers get old and by default eventually someone gets pregnant and then gets married (or the other way around, who knows). Partaking in these events in itself totally makes you a grownup. But perhaps inviting yourself to said parties and only going for the champagne whilst suggesting penis themed games may detract from the adult-iness. Additionally, the fact that you are utterly repulsed at the idea of getting married and/or having a spawn in your womb is probably a fact that you are not a real life adult.

Composing professional emails

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At work you’re all like “Dear Mr. X, Hope all is well with you. Wanted to circle back and see if you had a chance to review the document we referenced at our meeting last week”… then you hop on G-Chat with your friend and are like “LOL OMG HAHAHAHA ARE YOU JOKING ME THAT IS RIDICULOUS” then email, “Attached is the revised version. Please let us know if you have any edits or FEEDBACK. I’D BE HAPPY TO INCORPORATE LOL HAHA” then all is shot to hell because you are not one in the same. Adult… but not.

Getting mail

how i feel about letters from the IRS pretty much

Like obviously you are a real life grown up when you have mail addressed to you going to your personal address. Sometimes I like to let the mail collect in my mailbox and after a week I feel so grown up having so many envelopes to open! Things go awry however when you ignore said mail from the IRS and find yourself with an outstanding amount to be paid. Ooops…

Paying bills, bills, bills

You’ve found a way to totally pay off all of your credit cards, and bills on time. You may have even figured out a strategic schedule to coincide with your paychecks and rent, so you’re not absolutely poor at any given moment. Paying your bills, however comes right after a tense anxiety attack in which you try to imagine you did not see the figures. After paying your bills, you then use them as table coasters. Totally adult, right?

Going to the doctor

The doctor is like the perfect place to feel like you’ve matured into a fully functioning grown up. Kinda. Except when they ask you “How many drinks a week would you say you have?” and your answer is “Oh, maybe a glass or two of wine all week” when in reality that answer is lowballing by a long shot.

 

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