My Totally Honest Craigslist Post for Our Apartment

Greetings apartment hunter!

1 non-shoebox sized bedroom available in a luxurious 3 bedroom apartment beginning January 11th. Lease is until November 2015.

The Apartment:

The apartment is recently renovated and has high ceilings, due to being on the ground/terrace floor. It’s nice. Except you can still hear the wretched dog upstairs barking and running around. The apartment is furnished and has a great kitchen with new, stainless steel appliances that are perfect for you to cook your quesadillas or toast with! The fridge is huge. Large enough to forget your kale sitting in the bottom drawer for the past month. Oh well. The bathroom is pretty standard with a shower/tub – the tub in case you want to take a bath… because everyone in New York City takes baths in their apartment bathtubs…

The Room:

The room is pretty spacious. You have your own window to the outside world and A/C unit for those goddamn Summer days. I, personally, keep my AC unit on year round. The building includes A/C and water/electricity at a fixed rate so blast that baby! There is no closet in room, but there are a total of 4 closets in the apartment: 3 closets in the hallway and one “broom closet”. You have one closet designated for your room and any overflow can go into the broom closet.

The room can come furnished with:

  • A lovely Ikea full-sized bed (white) with drawers underneath because you have a lot of shit/clothes to store.
  • An IKEA dresser that I assembled myself (well a guy I once dated had to reassembled it because I assembled incorrectly)
  • A stand up closet hanger to hang more of your clothes.
  • A desk that you can actually utilize, but probably will use to throw your bills/purses/ etc on top of.

The Area:

If you don’t know, Stuyvesant Town – or StuyTown as it is so commonly referred to – is basically post-grad city or a geriatrics home… depending on which way you look at it. Its a massive apartment complex / neighborhood that spans a shit ton of blocks. Needless to say you’ll often run into NYU students/alum or other yuppies which makes laundry days really interesting (“sorry I had to do laundry in THIS because this is all the clean clothes I had.”) Stuytown is actually a great little community and theres a great central park “the oval” which is prime for Summertime sunbathing and people watching… and day drinking.

The apartment is cleverly situated right on 14th street so it doesn’t become a part of the horrendous identical looking building mix up of Stuytown. The East Village is a perfect location. For a SF Giants fan, such as myself, it is optimally located less than a 5 minute walk to the SF bar, Finnertys. That’s major. The East Village, in my humble opinion, is a post-grad’s paradise. Bars galore, fantastic food and drink at reasonable prices, and the people. Its like you never left college. Beware of the Murray Hill douche (we are not fond of Murray Hill d-bags) who may wander into the Village on a Friday night though. They’re everywhere. Favorite neighborhood haunts: Literally accross the street is the dirtiest dive bar / tiki bar you have ever been to. It’s disgusting and probably used to be cool. You will come here ironically. Pouring Ribbons is also across the street, because you’re a classy person.  Rue B is also a fantastic gem located a few blocks away. Also theres a Dunkin Donuts and a bodega across the street… You can thank me later.

Transportation wise, this is a perfect location. You can hop onto the L train, preloaded with the Brooklyn hipsters coming into Manhattan; you can take the bus; or you can- dare I say… walk and find yourself at Union Square in about 5-15 minutes.

Don't we look like a fun bunch?
Don’t we look like a fun bunch? The answer is yes.


Renter must:

-Have good credit. 
Obviously, we’re all about paying our bills, bills, bills on time.

-Enjoy sports.
Male roommate, Dan, and I watch a lot of sports on our IKEA couch. Hungover weekends on the couch, football Sundays, him helping me with my fantasy team, etc. Even female roommate enjoys watching sports too, although her questioning about “WHY ARE HIS PANTS SO TIGHT” border on incessant. But its great. Male roommate would likely have RedZone, but I’m too cheap for that.

-Like sports media.
In the same vein as enjoying sports, obviously. Dan and I watch a lot of sports and talk about a lot of sports things. We have also spent countless hours debating the attractiveness of different newscasters. See: Adam Schefter, Jesse Palmer, Rece Davis, Jay Bilas. We run the gamut (also Dan is straight).

-Believe that saying “hoops” isn’t weird.
Example: “He played college hoops for the Tarheels back in the day”.

-Have a history in being a intense baller.
Sweat bands and all. Bonus points if your court nickname was “MADDAWG”. It earns you a lot of house-cred. Trust me. There are basketball courts nearby for you to ball out on… I just haven’t had time to yet..

-Partake in talking / listening about men.
Female roommate and I often discuss our problems with the male sex… in depth and detail, excessively. Male roommate partakes in said discussions as well. Note: Male roommate is ALWAYS right on premonitions of different men. Always. Do not forget this. Particularly useful if you are a female.

-Tindering on the couch.
Because… obviously. Julie and I have an intricate plan to match with the same guy and set up dates with him and compare notes.

-Have general hungover recaps.
These are nice and happen when one of us looks like they got hit by a train. May or may not include recapping how your friend ended up ass-naked in your kitchen.

-Know how to cook a mean quesadilla.
It’s a house essential. Just see Lazy Girl Recipes.

-Be okay with the AC on blast 365 days a year, 24/7.
This is due to hotflashes. Forget that it sounds like a 747 plane in the middle of your apartment.

Enjoy watching The Voice.
You have your opinions. But you also understand the basic narrative of “sad life story or overcoming obstacle; singing as my outlet”

-Find this Mike Tyson photo hilarious.

-Like and consume food.
We all eat food. Like a lot of food. Food-dislikers need not apply. This is not the place for you. You don’t belong here.

-Enjoy baking baked goods sporadically.
Includes banana bread, pumpkin bread (when in season), general loaves of bread, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, cakes, unemployment cakes, etc.

-Love Olive Garden.
Also, duh. Carbs are a must in the apartment. Atkins dieters need not apply.

-Text from the room next door.
Because getting up walking to communicate is so unnecessary.

-Cry after watching the Disney hit movie, Brother Bear.
Also, sending selfies of said crying face.

My roommates are used to having an ample supply of wine bottles in the house. Don’t expect this to be a dry house.


One Comment

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  1. That is definitely eccentric enough to be written by you. Made me laugh to read lmao Good to see you’re thriving 🙂

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