People That Should Be On My Holiday Gift List

Okay, so I’ve covered my family, close friends, relatives, etc. But I’ve realized, there are a lot more people who help me… be me(?) throughout the year. Because I’m poor and can’t give gifts to everyone, heres what I would do … because its the thought that counts, am I right?

My Eyebrow Lady

My card to her would be Hi! Happy Holidays! Thanks for all you do and not judging me at all and still remembering my name when I don’t come in for weeks at a time! See you in the New Year!… or maybe February. Okay, I don’t know her name. Or I do, I just don’t know how I would say it outloud. The woman who keeps my brow game on FLEEK (thats what the kids are saying nowadays), I owe the world to… but maybe for Christmas (I think thats what she celebrates) I’d just give her a gift card to a clothing store. God knows, I wouldn’t want to dip into the beauty realm of gifts, clearly, since she knows that is the least of my skills and knows more about my beauty habits than I do. Thank you threading lady… you are my godsend.

Bodega Man

ugh, bodega cats too… I guess.

I just typed that and it slightly resembled “Boogie Man”. Although Bodega Man can sometimes resemble the Boogie Man, he also is a angel in disguise. Who else is there for my late night snacks and cravings after 12am?! Bodega Man is. You know that feeling of nostalgia when you walk into your grandparents house and you feel at home? Thats also how I feel when I walk into my local bodega when I have a hankering for say, a can of Pringles or something else horrific. Bless your soul, Bodega Man.

My Gym Crush(es)

I hate the fact that I’m moving and thus, changing gyms in a few weeks because I have to start all over with another set of gym crushes at my new gym. One gym crush looks like Nick Miller from New Girl, except with a bit more of a “Dad – bod” (look it up, what? have you been living under a rock?). Needless to say, he does it for me. My other gym crush resembles more of a Patrick Bateman type, and pretty sure he’s an asshole, but everybody needs a little bit of eyecandy, right? So I have the best of both worlds at my gym. Which is why I am oh – so – thankful for their presence that motivates me to get to the gym after work in hopes of maybe this will be the day our gym flirtation turns into something substantial (for the record we haven’t said a word to eachother, we all just have the same gym schedule). I thank Baby Jesus for you look-alike Nick Miller and blonde Patrick Bateman. Can’t wait to hate on all of the New Years-Resolutioners in January with you!

My Favorite Bartender

Me, when Luis serves me.

He knows who he is. Every time I come in, he keeps the shots flowing and the drinks pouring for me (and whomever I am with). I always make sure to make up for the bill discrepancy with a HUGE tip. But we all know he deserves more than that. He deserves the world on a silver platter. He deserves all things great. HE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY GODDAMMIT! Thank you, Luis. We’ll drink to you next time I’m in.

That One MTA Conductor

Not to be mean or anything, but SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I’m a creature of habit (AKA just like everyone else who has a daily commute). I ride the same train, arrive at the same platform area at the same time, every day. This one, North-bound 6 train operator puts it upon himself EVERY GODDAMN MORNING to advise everyone to “be really careful out there, and especially trying to hold the subway doors open,” and also “to remember to smile, because not everything is always serious.” Now, this is the MOST IRRITATING THING to hear when you just ran to catch the train and literally had to shove yourself into a car so that you’re pressed against people on all sides, with hair in your mouth, an arm in your face, and you’re profusely sweating (in the Winter and the Summer). DON’T TELL ME TO FUCKING SMILE. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SITUATION, DO YOUR JOB AND GET ME TO MY DESTINATION GODDAMMIT. But then again in retrospect, the conductor man is sitting in his spacious little car, just hoping for the safety of everyone on his train, and trying to spread cheer the best way he can. He doesn’t know any better?!

Serial Redditors

I’ve never been so into Reddit than when I’ve been listening to Serial and trying to find out what really happened. These Serial listeners take it to another level. Making youtube videos of their own drive around the crime scene, maps of key locations, making their own narratives of what happened (supported by evidence, of course), pulling up old files. The world of the Serial subreddit is a slippery and dangerous slope… but goddamn it is soo, SOOOO intriguing. They all deserve like a thousand golden stars … or whatever is the mode of ego/currency on Serial.


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