Why I Would Be A Less Than Ideal Contestant on The Bachelor

This looks like a terrible type of date.

Last night my roommate and I were flipping through channels and stumbled upon The Bachelor. Ive never seen this show, partially out of pure contempt of the very idea of multiple women vying for one mans attention, partially because everybody else loves it.

Me: Is this like Bad Girls Club? Do they get into fights? 

Roommate: Umm, kinda. They dont really fight. 

Me, disappointedly: Oh…

Because that would be 180% more entertaining if the Bachelor included rachet girl on girl fights every week which includes weave pulling (MY FAVORITE), girls who dont know how to pronounce foie gras, let alone their own baby daddys last name. But alas, its not. Its the Bachelor which tries to appear as a much more classier television show for the sophisticated woman.

So the guy is Farmer Chris and hes a hunk. Ive decided he looks like a younger Matthew McConaughey had the latter spent more hours at the gym (or baling hay, whichever) rather than smoking weed and surfing (I imagine). The girls are… psychotic. Are they always like this? In any case, I only made it through a single hour out of the three hour (THREE FUCKING HOURS?! I could watch Boyhood in that period) Bachelor premiere special. Throughout that hour I cringed, and said things like I WOULD NEVER DO THAT or WHO IS THIS CHICK?! This is weird. And mostly felt uncomfortable watching these girls throw themselves at Prince Farming.

First impressions are not my forte.  Hypothetically speaking, this would be the reason why I would be off the show after the first episode. If I had one chance to really wow someone (male or female), chances are I would fail miserably. These girls come out of the limo and have one chance to wow Prince Farming and make him remember them. I have a funny premonition that my impression stumbling out of said limo (because limos always have champagne in them right?) would be less than flattering. And then the girls stand in front of the Bachelor and say hello blah blah blah and try to sell themselves in less than a minute. I would briefly admire Prince Farming, then B line to the house, because food.

And then my biggest question is WHAT ARE THESE GIRLS WEARING? Is this a PROM? Are you a pageant queen (well I guess maybe they might be)? Do you work at MAC cosmetics?! This is just way too much effort. I dont understand why you would want to wear a gown. All that tells me is that these chicks take this Cinderella story fantasy a bit too far. SLOW YOUR FUCKING ROLL. Although, props to the chick who showed up in Daisy Dukes, a plaid shirt and cowboy boots because its the real her. Yeah, fucking right. I dont even understand how some of these girls do their makeup that way. SOMEONE MANSPLAIN CONTOURING TO ME. Another thing, none of these girls are a natural color. Who has time to fake bake as much as these chicks do?

But really, its too much effort. Aside from the primping and prepping (I hate that phrase. Everytime I use it I think of American Girl dolls), theres a lot of unnecessary shit that these girls do. When youre COMPETING, yeah… competing… thats enough, right there for me, for one mans attention these girls put aside any sense of self respect they still had, and resort to being clingy and needy. Notice me! Pick me!  Look at me! Listen to me! Its exhausting to watch, and Im sure 200% more exhausting to actually do. One girl tried so hard that her voice reached ungodly high decibels. Make. It. Stop.

Some girls with half a brain seem to think the only way Prince Farming will notice them is if they get physical. Since this was only episode 1, I cannot tell you how the awkward hugs and incessant hand stroking/holding made me feel. PDA? No thanks. Im near positive that there were also cringeworthy bouts of footsie going on, out of the camera angle.

Also, are these girls actually sane? Maybe they were drunk. I sense some chemical imbalances.

Anyways, as much as I love to hate it… Ill be tuning in again…

At least until theres a fight and some girl takes off her weave or asks her friend to hold her earrings.


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