Tinder in NYC vs. Tinder at Home

In my humble opinion, Tinder is less used as a dating app, but more of a form of entertainment. I’ve been so over the entire dating landscape that I’ve been using Tinder as entertainment for myself… to chat and troll with guys that I have (pretty much) no intention of meeting up with. First messages include, “you look like the hulk!” “are you a feminist?” “whats your biggest flaw?” “try to guess my biggest flaw!”. As you can imagine, they’re conversation starters. (DISCLAIMER: I have actually met a handful of decent people off of Tinder) That being said, when I was home during the Holidays, I figured it’d be interesting to see what kinds of people are on Tinder in the Peninsula Bay Area suburbs. If anything, it would make great fodder for future discussions.

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VERSUS:
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Profiles

NYC:

For all intents and purposes there are generally 3 categories for male profiles on Tinder:

Work Hard, Play Hard


We get it, you work long hours as an investment banker and for your free time you like to unwind and drop a few K on a table at Marquee. You like to hang with the bros at the Joshua Tree, will take your Tinder date to Brother Jimmys because their Buds are only $3 and because Picklebacks (Not frowning on the glorious shit, Im a huge fan of picklebacks). Probably. Their profile is littered with emojis like cigarette emoji, fire emoji, beer emoji, smiley with tongue sticking out emoji. Just probably.

I Heart Brooklyn

90% chance you have a beard and you spend more on beard conditioner than I have ever spent on a wax. Maybe you play in a band, maybe youre a music producer or TV producer. I am not sure but one thing is for sure, youve seen more movies than I have and I cannot keep up with you references, but I will definitely try to if it means youre buying us tickets to a concert.

The Newbie

You are either a faux newbie or a real newbie. The faux newbies are the guys that are really smooth and say they have never been on Tinder before and this is their first time. Or maybe they say they just moved to the city a few weeks ago and their profile says Just looking for some new friends and to have fun! The real newbies that ACTUALLY just moved to NYC you just feel sorry for because they have no idea what to expect from the city but they will definitely find out if they are trying to meet decent people on Tinder. Lastly, as is common in any major metropolis, you have the Tinder profiles that are Just visiting for a week. So just swipe left on that.

Suburban Bay Area

If you have a remote idea what this is from, then we can be friends.

Honestly I didnt read many profiles in the Bay Area. I do know that probably majority of the profiles I saw mentioned being a #SFGiants fan or #DUBS or whatever fan and then again almost 80% of the profiles looked like something out of Cheech & Chong.

Mutual Friends

NYC

There are so many people in the city that very rarely do you come across someone that you have more than 1 mutual friends with (plus, isnt there another dating app for that, anyways? Not sure). If and when you do have a mutual friend its typically with a co worker or someone you used to date, which in itself is off limits / dont be stupid and do that to yourself.

Suburban Bay Area


Most likely most of the people you swipe back at home knows at least 10+ of your childhood friends. The terrifying part is you identify your mutual friends, let the wheels turn for a bit, and then remember, OH THAAAAT GUY FROM HIGH SCHOOL?! THATS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE?!

Your Matches

NYC

Predictable. Snore fest. A decent match, insert either terrible pick up line that flails or a creepy line that makes your skin crawl.

Suburban Bay Area

Congratulations! You matched with someone you have 80 mutual friends with! Oh shit… is that…? Yes! Yes it is him! Its that guy you had a crush on from 6th grade until your junior year of high school (thats probably when he went to juvie). Oh but hes as attractive as ever now and probably only has one strike on his rap sheet!

Maybe you match with that one guy that perpetually had a girlfriend when yall were younger. And now, apparently, he is single and ready to mingle! Or maybe its your friends older brother who youve always found weirdly attractive (and who apparently has not flown the coop).

#WINNING

Or you could possibly match with that one guy who you had a thing with in high school or was so unattainable. LOOK WHOS WINNING NOW. YOURE JUST TINDER FODDER TO ME!

Emotional Involvement

NYC

Tinder swiping AKA accumulating Tinder fodder is a passive activity. I can do it while Im watching TV, eating dinner, having a conversation, at the gym, etc. As it should be, you dont have to get emotionally involved.

Suburban Bay Area

Id really rather not.

GET READY TO WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE. Youll be texting all of your girlfriends you grew up with Guess who I just matched with on Tinder?! Most likely it will initiate flashbacks of when you were in middle school and didnt know who you wanted to ride the ferris wheel with, or ask to the junior high dance. CRINGE.

Case in point. Tinder is generally a weird and scary place. By no means should you take it, or anyone on it, seriously. If you have a hankering to make Tinder as terrifying as a root canal, take a trip back to your hometown and swipe away.

Have mercy on your sick, sick, soul.

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