The Winners and Losers of the NFL Draft 2015

The NFL Draft ropes me in every time. I get emotionally invested… for my teams, for my hopes for top picks, for these bright young stars. Its my favorite fashion moment of the year. Moreso than NYC’s Fashion Week, or Pitti Uomo. I kind of get off to watching these young bucks dress themselves up to be the swaggiest. Some hit the nail on the head, some fail miserably and land somewhere between I cant hold my neck up my chain so heavy and I’m only 20 something and definitely cannot afford these shoes so please someone draft me and give me a salary. Every year (you can read last year’s writeup here) when the draft comes around it becomes the perfect time to throw back a few, get weird, live tweet and read Drew Magary’s commentary (who also is a really great drunk live tweeter). That being said, I have for you, the winners and losers of the 2015 NFL Draft.

WINNERS

  • Whatever Jon Gruden is on
  • Marcus Mariota because he’s Marcus Mariota and got lei’d.
  • Leonard Williams’ hair. His hairdo will not withstand East Coast humidity, let alone the Jets’ fan base. So maybe at the end of the day, his hair loses… and also, you’re stuck with the Jets.
  • MARIOTO whoever the fuck that is. You’d think Berman would have practiced for months now how to pronounce the name of the 2nd draft pick. GRANDPA! ITS MARIOT-A NOT MARIOT-O. For fuckssake, Berman.
  • Chicago Bears’s Jay Cutler who just got blessed big time with WR Kevin White
  • Powerbeats by Dre Wireless. Shit. When do you not see them? Just really curious, can someone tell me how much Mariota and Winston got paid for wearing those?
  • Dante Fowler Jr. / Jags. For the love of mercury, I love a good home grown story. Fowler Jr. is from St. Pete’s, played for Florida, and will now possibly play for Jacksonville. I feel that. His blinged out suit + golden slippers were swell.
  • Trae Waynes’ suit. But also did you see his hairflip in that sizzle reel? Oh shit.
  • Melvin Gordon giggling like a smitten kitten and excited idiot was the cutest thing I have EVER seen. But then again, I’m 99% sure he was 100% high as a kite. His purple suit ensemble was fire as well. Well done, kid.

    Melvin Gordon’s interview with Kolber after being drafted pretty much
  • Danny Shelton hugging the Commish. Shit, Goddell probably needed that with the incessant boo-ing he’s gotten tonight. I don’t like hugs but goddamn, that looked like a good one.

LOSERS

  • Chris Berman’s upper lip sweat.

    No offense to sweaty Berman but this looks like a stock image for “drunk retirement home party”
  • Goodell getting booed mercilessly with every single pick
  • Adam Schefter’s pinstrsipe suit. If you know me, you know I am THE BIGGEST Adam Schefter fan. I like a good pinstsripe suit, but those stripes are way too aggressive Schefty… who dressed you?

    I love me some Schefty… just not in that pinstripe suit he wore. Jon Gruden’s fucking reading glasses.
  • Johnny Manziel because I still remember watching last year’s draft and watching his stupid dumb face the entire time while he waited until the 22nd pick to be drafted.
  • Todd Gurley’s ACL, shit because he’s a dangerous pick but obviously the Rams were into it. “No one can stop this kid, other than his ACL injury!” – Chris Berman.
  • ESPN’s Suzy Kolber calling out some shit that doesn’t need to be called out. To Shelton she’s like, Congrats! how excited are you but also todays the anniversary of your brothers’s death how do you feel? You know what Suzy? Your dress was not your best, girlfriend.
  • That awkward moment when Berman tried to talk about the Baltimore protests and explain why Ray Lewis wasn’t there.
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