I’m Not “Single”, These Are my “Boyfriends”

Most days I’m perfectly fine with being single. Single and ready to mingle. Other days I grapple with the term and my forever a-fucking-lone-ness. Once I dig myself out of a deep hole of self pity, I put the good old PR spin on it and say, hey you know what? I’m not “single”, look at all of these boyfriends I have! Granted, I’ll never introduce them to the fam, but they’re great catches regardless.

My Doormen

probably what they do behind my back tho.

They’re my main chicks. You know how you have a main chick and a side chick. These guys = main chick. They see me EVERY DAMN DAY doing god knows what (just going to work, coming home from the gym, shenanigans). We have our conversations. They can sense when I’m having a bad day and leave me be, or if I’m headed out on a date and they’ll say “Goodnight! See you tomorrow!” More importantly, these guys make me feel secure and safe. Can you say that about your boyfriend? That’s what I thought.

Liquor Store Man on Carmine

this is a candy shop to me, which makes the liquor store man = the candy man?

Definitely not a side chick, but we have a regular date we keep. He knows me, I know him. If I was just in the night before buying a double bottle of Yellowtail or Gato Negro (for my cla$$y wine and cheese Monday nights with a few friends), and I’m in the next night buying a handle of vodka (JK I don’t do that because vodka), he doesn’t judge. In fact, he accepts me as I am. Never judges me – even when I try to haggle down the price for a liter of Triple Sec. He loves me for who I am.

The Joe’s Pizza Guys

so by the transitive property I am having a relationship with the Joe’s pizza guys right?

 

Now, these are my side bitches. My booty call, if you may. I see them typically late night, after too many drinks. We usually are both very happy to see each other. They feed me, provide me with sustenance to carry on into the solace of my apartment. Sometimes you gotta put a girls desires first and throw caution to the wind. But on the flip side, sometimes its just about convenience.

Random Gym Trainer

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE I WILL LITERALLY CUT OFF YOUR BALLS IF YOU TRY TO SELL ME A TRAINING PACKAGE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME I WILL HARPOON YOUR ASS, is basically what I told the trainer.

 

Gym trainers are the worst. They push and they push and they push you to sign up for a stupid goddamn session with them. I’ve done it 100 times now. Do I need a trainer? Probably. Do I want a trainer? No. So when this one gym trainer approached me to do a free session with him, I, exasperated with the constant sales pitch, went off on him in a very public and loud way. We are now like that bickering couple you see in public. He knows not to approach me, but when he does he’ll joke around about my angry rant. To be honest, I think he’s flirting. Little does he know I hate his guts and wish he’d get fired from my gym. That happens in relationships right?

My Gym Crush

protip: do it big when your gym crush is watching.

 

We are on the same gym routine. After work during the week days, mid afternoon during the weekends. We always run into each other at the gym so we’re basically dating, right? Sometimes he gets on the treadmill opposite my elliptical so we can stare at each other during our cardio – just kidding that’s only happened like twice. But still. When we finally talk to each other, I’m sure he will propose. I mean, he clearly has nothing else better to do with his life than go to the gym (like yours truly), so I’ve assumed he’s single.

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