The Bachelorette, 6/1

Here we go!

Kupah is still on this show. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! We get it. You’re on the show, solely, to be a reality TV star… guess what? You’re not attractive enough to get your own spinoff. There. I said it. Also, did anybody notice his suspenders? NO. JUST NO. GTFO Kupah. Have you ever seen a scorned ex? THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE IF YOU HAVEN’T.

The Rose Ceremony

Can someone tell me how Jonathan is still on the show, AKA the only guy not wearing a button up shirt to the rose ceremony? He is DEAD to me. Also, what is up with the black eyes? Jared got the shit beat out of him in the last episode, so I get that. But why does Justin have a black eye (and no, I realized that his nose is just like that).  Also Healer Tony said some gibberish about seeing the “world through the eyes of child” and being a “gypsy soul.” AND SHE STILL GAVE HIM A GODDAMN ROSE! Yeah. I’d be embarrassed too if I didn’t get a rose and Tony the Healer did.

What Kaitlyn said about knocking off Cory (Corey with an “E”, is the investment banker bro), “I feel like he has a big, big heart, but…” AKA I didn’t get a chance to see if anything else was big, big, big.

Sumo Wrestling

Like, I’m quirky and fun and weird too. But this is just fucking weird.

I would shit my pants if a 500lb Sumo wrestlers woke me up. But wait can we pan back to Ben Z. waking up? WOW. JJ said, “I love Japanese culture. I love Sushi. I love…” which translates to I have an Asian fetish.

AND THEN THE KIMONOS COME OFF. There’s a lot of blur, and a lot of abs… no dad-bods here. Also great JJ quote “Everybody has a really great ass…” K.

Honestly, as much as I love seeing nekkid men, this is just a bit too much for me. Nuts everywhere. Wait, is it weird to say Tony the Healer is kind of hot sometimes? But then he opens his mouth about “viewing the world in the eyes of a child” and complaining about showing aggression. Tony. Tony. Despite his perfect body, he gets less and less attractive as he keeps talking.

Can we also talk about JJ’s tattoo? What is it? An Avengers tattoo? Someone please tell me what kind of douchebaggery that is.

New goal: Look as teeny tiny as Kaitlyn-next-to-Sumo-wrestler

Tony: “Why can’t we go to the zoo?” Well Tony, y’all are a bunch of animals. This is the goddamn zoo.

The After-Date

Clint is playing the power move and is playing hard to get. Power move? Who knows.

 Ryan Gosling look alike / Sean finally gets some 1 on 1. It makes me feel really awkward but he’s so cute that I kind of forget how awkward he is. I watch them and literally FEEL the sexual tension. Its unnerving.

BEN Z TIME BEN Z TIME BEN Z TIME

Wow. Okay. Um, what?

“Ben Z is a babe soda” is what Kaitlyn said about him, I think. I don’t know what that means but yes. I agree. I agree with every bit of it. HE IS A HUNK OF HOT MEAT WOW.

Chris Harrison is into some weird, kinky shit. I’m not down with this C. Harr.

OH MY GOD. Ben Z just said “WE can do this”. I would die. Then Kaitlyn pretends to be afraid of birds or some shit just so she can jump into his insanely massive arms (sadly covered by a tight, deep V).  WOW but Ben Z is probably the most comforting male human ever, but it probably helps that he’s a handsome-as-shit- behemoth. HE LITERALLY HUMAN SHIELDS HER AND ITS THE CUTEST THING EVER. Wait but when did this turn into a haunted house / Fear Factor. WHATEVER. I’m okay with it because BEN Z IS A HUNK. Also, he’s perfect.

Also, Chris Harrison is a sick fuck for putting that together.

But we learn Ben Z is super emotional and in tune with his emotions – which is something new and novel for males… take notes boys. He has a lot of issues with showing and feeling emotions and hasn’t cried in 11 years, so I get a lot of that. We’re the same person.

The Date with Kids

Going on a date with children involved sounds nightmarish.

Joshua literally sounds like he’s talking to one of his dogs when he talks about Kaitlyn. Also he calls tampons tamp-ins. He also has learned everything about sex by “watching his cows“.  He had his first kiss in college. He’s been living under a rock. This is terrifying.

Another word. Who dressed these children? Overalls? The teacher looks like what clip art would result when you search for “teacher”. This is smells staged and it looks staged and lo-and behold. I KNEW IT WAS STAGED.

But to be honest, I wouldn’t want to hear the man of my dreams try to talk about menstrual cycles and sex-education. Even Ben H’s adorable storytelling about the eggs and sperm was still weird as shit to me. Hanging out with kids was like “therapy” to him… weird.

Kaitlyn says that she wants to punch Jared in the face again when his black eye starts to fade away. ATTAGIRL.

Cli-JayJay

The bromance to end all bromances. One guy in the house already said, “I don’t want to stay in the house with Clint and JJ”. Its actually kind of cute. But per usual, the scandalous TV makers want to make it into something it’s not and turn it into some homo-erotic shit, uncharted territory for the family-fun-folks at ABC. But is it really? Nah dude.

Cli-JayJay talking about turtles. Clint is in love (like love love? who knows) with JJ. Right.

Clint is actually a straight up fuckboy playing with Kaitlyn’s emotions and its RUDE. This is only solidified when Clint and JJ have a conversation in the wings that sounds like two really, really drunk frat bros who are 5 years out of college, but still haven’t moved out of their college town because they still live together.

Kaitlyn gets mad and storms in to tell Clint off and girl is on a mission. GIRL DONT SPILL YO PINOT GRIG!

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