The Bachelor, Season 20 Episode 1

This preview of the season has A LOT OF CRYING. I love a lot of crying. DISCLAIMER: I was never on Team Ben H – I rode hard for Ben Z but that’s just me.

About Ben / Intro:

We get it, Ben H is a Hoosier – H for Hoosier. Ben H represents middle America in the biggest way possible – the high school jock thing etc. Now he’s talking about L-O-V-E and everyone on my couch is weeping. Jesus Christ – ABC REALLY knows how to pull at the heartstrings. Also, I kinda don’t HATE the McDonalds commercial with Ben H + Bach alumn. Well played Mickey D’s … well played.

“I don’t think I’ve dated 25 people up to this point in my life” – YEAH. OK BEN H, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

Alas, the gathering of the fuckboys ex-Bachelors. Chris Soles’ grand advice “Kiss them all.” Yeah, well look where you ended up, Chris (still love Chris the farmer though). Watching these 4 men talk and give “advice” is makes me cringe so much. BUT ALSO WHY ARE THESE GUYS SO SWEATY RN?

“My wife could be in this room” – Ben. However, statistics about The Bachelor probably say this is FALSE.

The Girls:

UGH I forgot about Ben H’s lip biting problem.

Lauren:

Wow the flight attendant brought Ben H a pair of wings… I don’t hate her, but I do hate the periwinkle dress.

Caila:

^ WTF who spells that name that way. She fell in love with Ben H. on TV and broke up with her boyfriend because of it? Did I miss something? ARE YOU INSANE. She gets out of the limo and she’s definitely insane and I think its stupid AF that she literally jumped into his arms. Seems real tho.

Jennifer:

Ben and Jen = gag me.

Jami:

JA-mEE (hard A). WOW she knows Kaitlyn from last season so that really fucks things up Ben H. LOL AT THE ALMOST DICK JOKE.

Jubilee:

My girl with the gun and the chest tatt that looks like Eve’s tattoo. She’s badass and I don’t hate it but she actually might kick his ass. OK Eve wanna-be, she’s got a bangin body but she is the realest though because she sucks at making jokes/pickup lines and can laugh at herself about it.

Lace:

A KISS ON THE FIRST ENCOUNTER WOW. IDK I don’t know how I feel about her. But she kinda seems like she belongs on Bad Girls Club. She’s probably BY FAR the bitchiest person in the mansion but I don’t hate it one bit because if there is a physical altercation I would LOVE it. Also file under “drunkest girl at the party.”

If Cecily Strong on SNL ever did a Bachelor skit, she would be this exact chick.

I LOVE that Ben H tells her drunkass off and tells her to stop being so thirsty.

Lauren R:

This chick is on one.

Shushanna:

Not a huge fan of the dress or the alternate language. Russian I’m going to say? He just called her “Shana”

Leah:

“I knew you were a catch” line + the stupid football stunt and eyewink should get her voted off alone and should be retired forever. Fuck you Leah, you SUCK. TRY TO BE ORIGINAL.

Jojo:

“Unicorns do exist – I think I’m yours” Yeah go die in a hole, JOJO. I respect you but I can’t respect that opening line at all.

Lauren H:

The midwestern accent reminds me of Whitney from Chris Soules’ season.

Laura:

Emma Stone look alike AKA “Red Velvet”… idk I don’t think she shouldve said that on TV.

Mandi:

She’s a fucking weirdo. “I would not date a guy with gingivitis” – OK that’s actually surprisingly fair. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING ON HER HEAD – wow cute a rose. She looks like a coked out to the nth degree Lana Del Rey. What kind of accent does she have – someone please tell me that’s an accent.

Rose head girl steals Ben H and reveals she’s from Portland – which makes A LOT OF SENSE AS TO WHY SHE’S SO WEIRD. The legitimate oral examination is over the top… Someone tell her that NO ONE FLOSSES.

The Twins (names irrelevant):

I honestly would rather stick a needle in my eye than watch these two for another week. Seeing them stand next to Ben (and talk) makes them look like actual babies.

Meagan: 

AKA the horse girl. I feel so uncomfortable looking at her in a dress because I know how uncomfortable she probably is.

Amanda:

She’s a mom but like how the FOOK did that body have a baby? Killer ombre hair, but boring AF first impression.

Breanne:

“Gluten is Satan” – another red flag … actually the worst/biggest red flag.

Izzy:

STUPID ONESIE JOKE plus she’s wearing pajamas. She must be SO EMBARRASSED for herself.

Rachel:

Riding a hoverboard, wearing sneakers with her dress and unemployed…

Jessica:

Wow she seems genuine and sweet, kinda adorable. Dont hate her.

Tiara:

“Chicken enthusiast.” If you consider fowl your babies and rub your face into them, I think thats a HUGE red flag. Also a red flag are the photos of her chickens around her framed photo of Ben. She surprisingly looks normal when she steps outside the limo. Her dress is atrocious tho.

Samantha:

Her voice is actual nails on a chalkboard. Cut off my ears before you speak please.

LB:

IS THAT A HERVE? Hate her face but her DONK… 

Her bio: “I hate it when my date doesn’t pick up the check” – OVER HER SO FAST.

Jackie: 

She is the actual personification of the red dress dancing girl emoji:

Olivia:

MIDDLE PART LOVE!!!! I think she’s my favorite. She only has one dimple and so do I so we’re like the same. BEN H LICKED HIS LIPS FOR DAT.

Olivia is my favorite girl on here although she’s stupid AF for walking away from a great job that she “loved.” My only criticism there because you know, women can be career women too.

BECCA:

WOW THIS VIRGIN BECCA IS BACK! I HATE HER THE MOST. That dress looks like a freshman at NYU bought it to go clubbing in the Meatpacking District.

I don’t get why these chicks think that Becca has an “edge” over the competition when she CLEARLY did not win Chris Soules’ boring ass over.

Amber:

I don’t care about her but she’s a do-over so whatever.

First Impression Rose:

MY GIRL OLIVIA WINS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT YOU KNOW?!

***** CALLING IT NOW: OLIVIA WINS IT ALL*******

Rose Ceremony/Post Rose Ceremony:

Shushanna can’t even speak english and she still gets a rose… are you shitting mE!?

Also love that Mandi PUSHES Lace aside to get the rose.

I really don’t understand why all of these girls hug as if they’ve known each other for years. Like, please chill – you JUST met each other an hour ago.

Breanne actually looks pretty when she cries.

Please note, DJ Khaled would be so satisfied with how watered the Bachelor Mansion’s garden and statue lion is.

More On Lace:

She’s wearing lace and her name is Lace. That’s weird. She’s drunk AF and bat shit and a stage 5. “You didnt even look at me ONCE,” she whines to Ben H. Like clockwork, the Bachelor ALWAYS picks a crazy chick who LOVES DRAMA. Also – was she legitimately drunk slurring or is she just a terrible enunciator?

Honestly hope she stays A WHILE because I need drama to sustain my interest.

SEASON PREDICTION:

JUBILEE AND OLIVIA WILL MAKE IT TO THE FINAL ROUND. There. I said it.

Also Lace 100% gets into a fight with a girl and obviously punches someone out.

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