The Bachelorette Contestants

Scoring: All contestants are given the benefit of the doubt so start at a 5. 

ALEX

Profile First Impression: 3

  • He’s cute and green looks nice against his olive skin. 1
  • His tattoos are “work-related” and work is a Marine so I’m okay with that. 0
  • All-time favorite movies: “Inglourious Basterds” – Does he fail miserably at spelling or is it just the website editor?
  • He is not into the whole booty dancing thing and has a twin. -3

ALI

Profile First Impression: 5

  • His salmon colored v-neck isn’t too tight so I can fux w that. 1
  • He loves it when his date dresses sexy. Welp, that knocked him down 2 notches for me. That being said, unlike Alex, he probably totally is into the whole booty dancing thing. -1

BRANDON

Profile First Impression: 2

  • HIS OCCUPATION IS HIPSTER. GO KILL YOURSELF BRANDON. -2
  • We’re only on the 3rd contestant and 2/3 have said Her is their favorite movie. Is Scarlett Johansen’s voice really that enthralling? -1
  • No red flags in the bio except the Hipster occupation. Other than that, could’ve received a solid rating.

CHAD

Profile First Impression: –5

  • Chad has a fuckboy name for sure. Chad has a fuckboy look for sure too. -1
  • Who do you admire most in the world and why?/If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?: “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright. -4
    • Yup, fuckboy indeed. Also, how does ABC let these guys get away with using the same response for multiple questions? (Answer: they probably turn a blind eye when someone is extra-fuckboy-y)
  • What is your greatest achievement to date: “Being born good looking” -5
  • Note: I predict Chad will get too fuck boy drunk before the rose ceremony and fall into a pool or something. Like this guy:
    giphy

CHASE

Profile First Impression: 5

  • Chase is wearing an oversized henley (or so I think?) and its not too tight so he cant be too much of an asshole right? 0
  • The one thing Chase wont do for love is sell his truck… ok fair. 0
  • TBH nothing is wrong with him but nothing is great. Feeling super MEH about him. 0

CHRISTIAN

Profile First Impression: 2

  • He has two cats… maybe one is okay but two can be a weird thing. Flagging this. -2
  • Most outrageous thing he has ever done: Strip shows and lap dances in college. Side job? I have questions. -1

COLEY

Profile First Impression: 5

  • Another Dazed and Confused fan. Shocker. 0

DEREK

Profile First Impression: 5

  • Derek has nice eyes but I’m not feeling the stark contrast of his baseball tee. 0
  • When asked the “if you were stranded on an island” question: “if the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers I’d be fine.” EXCUSE ME? Come again?? 0

DANIEL

Profile First Impression: –11

  • Occupation: Male Model – ok bye. -1
  • “Tattoos: No – same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo”  -__- -5
  • “Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?: Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?” -5
  • Too many references to lamborghinis (NOT LAMBOS FOR GODSSAKE), too many references to his lamborghini-like body. Over it. -5

EVAN

Profile First Impression: -8.5

  • Evan looks like a creepy magician to me. IMHO. Also, v-neck too tight. -3
  • “Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert” This tells me nothing about him but its weird you know? -.5
  • I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and its very powerful and beautiful” Rest assured, I can tell you America probably will not be feeling his sexual energy just having said that. -5

GRANT

Profile First Impression: 1

  • Hands crossed, tough guy pout that says I’m tough but I’m trying to be endearingly cute so is it working? No. No sir it is not. -1
  • “What’s your worst date memory?: Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes.” Tell me what’s wrong with that, Grant? -3

JAKE

Profile First Impression: 3

  • Jake looks like a nice guy but like the camera took him by surprise.
  • He already sees himself “Married to the Bachelorette with our first child” in five years so either 100% ahead of the game, or psychotic. TBD. 0
  • “I hate it when my date: Chews with her mouth open” But what if you’re talking about Harry Potter for 20 minutes over dinner? -2

JAMES F. 

Profile First Impression: 3

  • James F is bringing back plaid – OK with it +1
  • He is getting his tattoos lasered off and why do we care? 0
  • Gladiator as his favorite movie. You and 10 other contestants, James F. 0
  • His diet is called carb cycling. Sounds some kind of fucked up masochism if you ask me. -3

JAMES S.

Profile First Impression: -1

  • TOO TIGHT A HENLEY. -2
  • He is a Bachelor Superfan… methinks he’s in this for the fame / to be the next Bachelor. -2
  • He won’t even eat fish for love. O. K. -2
  • Note: Should he make it into the final rounds, I assure you ABC will bring in an ex-bachelor/ex-bachelorette contestant looking for love and he will get the most upset about it. GUYS. This is Joe Schmoe from Season XVII and he really stole Jane’s heart I can’t believe he’s here.

JAMES TAYLOR

Profile First Impression: 2

  • Congratulations for making it this far in life with that name. +1
  • Of course you’re a singer-songwriter -1
  • Calls his father “daddy” -3

JONATHAN

Profile First Impression: 1

  • Not feeling the two-toned polo cuffed sleeved action going on. -2
  • Grandma tattoo would be weird to be looking at you. -2
  • He would like to live as someone in a third world country… I get the sentiment.. but odd. 0

JORDAN

Profile First Impression: 10

  • Former pro quarterback is his occupation and he is 27. Calling bullshit on that. -1
  • “What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom?: Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder” LOL OK he’s funny. +5
  • Vince Vaughn fan. -1
  • Fan of his grandparents. +2

LUKE

Profile First Impression: 4

  • He is smoldering in his photo idk if thats what he’s trying to do. Also his hair looks like a lot of upkeep, could be v. high maintenance. -2
  • Mark Cuban fan makes him an asshole but understandable. +2
  • Said “swag” in his profile. -1

NICK B.

Profile First Impression: 4

  • ANOTHER GLADIATOR FAN? I’ve seen the goddamn movie and it really doesn’t warrant the fandom of 15+/25 25-30 year old men. 0
  • Profile comes across as a little too humble / needy. -1

NICK S. 

Profile First Impression: -6

  • Sartorial failure here. What is a neckerchief (i think) doing paired around his neck with a polo. Pls explain. -5
  • Doesn’t like “scary cheeses” Grow up. -2
  • He is an Eagle Scout though. +2
  • Chased a mountain lion. Sounds DUMB. -1

PETER

Profile First Impression: 1

  • Has a fascination with dinosaurs which I am v. wary of. -2
  • Had a phase he referred to as “Sk8er boi” Just write out SKATER BOY. DRESSED LIKE A SKATER. SKATED. -2

ROBBY

Profile First Impression: 9

  • He looks like a swim coach I once had a crush on. +2
  • WAIT FUNNY HE IS A FORMER COMPETITIVE SWIMMER…. +2 (COULD THIS BE MY OLD SWIM COACH?!)
  • Loves to dress up. Could be high maintenance… 0

SAL

Profile First Impression: 5

  • My parents have a gardener named Sal. He was a nice guy. +1
  • Would carry a gun on a deserted island. -1

VINNY

Profile First Impression: 2

  • ANOTHER Dumb & Dumber movie fan. Don’t get it. 0
  • Refers to his friends as “my boys” -1
  • Would never use turkey meat for love. -2

WELLS

Profile First Impression: 6

  • I don’t LOVE the patches on the dark denim jacket. -1
  • His description of his ultimate date actually sounds dope. Or maybe its the mention of tacos because I’m hungry at the moment. +3
  • Would never get a cat for love. +2
  • Doesn’t like pizza. -3

WILL

Profile First Impression: 5.5

  • Found it important to state he is 6″2 1/2. -2.5
  • Go-to dance move is the Bernie. +3
  • Wants to be John Mayer. 0
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